Sin is messy

The fog is lifting.

Sometimes I do a whole lot of burying myself in what I want.
In what I need.

and sometimes...
no probably more often than not
when i do that I tell God what I want & how I want it.

and I can't even see straight when HE doesnt grant me my 3 wishes.

Yes.

I think that sometimes I expect want hope that God will  be my genie.

and give me every little thing I ask for.

but that's not what scripture promises...

Philippians 4:19
But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus

And in this Desert journey 
our needs have been met. 
every step of the way.
Not how I would have liked always
or in the fashion I was accustomed to
but met nonetheless.

and I have been ungrateful.
discontent.
sour about my circumstances. 
and that hasnt been fair to the people around me
the people I could have been ministering to
while I curled up in my selfish pot of sulkiness
and cried and felt sorry for myself.

and here I am. 

looking at my computer screen. 


and thinking about this.

and realizing I have to find peace & contentment in this season God has placed me in and
get back in the game.

Some nights...

I just don't sleep.

Lying awake pondering deep thoughts.

Tonight we were in downtown O'side at the weekly street fair. I hadn't been here since I was pregnant with Judah ...

Then it was cold.

Tonight the moist summer air lingered with the smell of ethnic foods & sea salty air.

We ran into several groups of friends from our church of not so long ago. We chatted... and were in the company of a dear friend and her 4 kidlets....

As we corralled 10 children between us... busy in the flurry of keeping it together... it occurred to me that so many at this street fair don't know Jesus.  And for a moment it broke my heart. Until I quickly dismissed the thought as a toddler scurried under my feet tipping over a soda, and the little girls needed a potty break.

After tasting a few ethnic dishes and wanting to savor the delight of the night...we corralled those 10 kidlets off to the local Dairy Queen. As we walked in the door we heard shots. Quickly dismissing it as a prank or maybe some firecrackers... surely gunshots in a marine corps town would have been recognized.

As kidlets were handed their cones the streets became a buzz of sirens ... police cars and ambulance... and then overhead... helocopters...

And in these way to late hours as I sit & consider....

I am heavy of heart at the fact that in my busyness not once did I stop & share the Gospel.  Not once.

& that in my world those shots seemed like not that big of a deal.

But they might have been.

A very big deal.

An eternal destination kind of big deal.

And that kind of thing shouldn't just keep me up at night. It should change everything to how and with what kind of urgency I live my life

Back to school thoughts

I have homeschooled for 12 years. And yet at the beginning of every single year I start to wonder ....

*what am I doing right?
*Are the kids learning enough?
*are they getting enough time to "socialize"?
*Are we balanced enough for all the grades and ages we represent?

and probably another dozen or more of the stupidest questions a mom could ask herself.

and without fail I am questioning myself yet again.
more like 2nd guessing.

Last year... as we embarked on yet another little person being added to this family... and in the middle of transitioning out of the USMC.... we took a dive and began to unschool.

now there are a LOT of misconceptions of what unschooling is. or is not. 

and no. Our kids don't play with legos & the wii from sun up to sun down.
but it has been a change.
and deschooling much harder than I ever imagined.

and here is where I am at.

for good or bad ...

I love the IDEA of unschooling.

I love getting to explore with your kids and learn along side them,

BUT.

I do believe there needs to be some structure.

I mean. The Bible has structure.
life has structure.

I have met and been amazed by some radical unschooling moms
in life and on message boards
and I am learning ...

that for our family...
there needs to be SOME structure and some guidance as far as our unschooling journey goes.

and I don't know if that's what you would call "real unschooling" or not.

So this year...

I am not sitting down planning a year in advance.

But I will be keeping a journal of what we do & how we do it.

And we will put a few structural activities back in our day to day
(it has been a lazy summer of sleeping late for some of my children)
I wonder if you can combine the 2 styles I love most.
unschooling & Charlotte Mason

and I loved KONOS

if only there was a way to merge these 3 learning styles for ALL of my kidlets and for Frank & I to learn alongside them....

perhaps there is.

I have no answers.

but a friend recently reminded me of something I tell people when they ask the age old question...
"How do you homeschool?"

I always answer....

"One day at a time.... with God's grace"

I don't like to feel

Sometimes i wish i could just put a lid on my emotions. I have talked here before about how i dislike the desert .... and I realize I am called ...as a believer in Christ....to be content in whatever season I am in.

But I remember so vividly sobbing each time I left Oceanside. Each trip *home* to the desert... just guttural sobs as I drove to my new home. My place to " be content".

There are still days like that for me here.  And sometimes it would be nice not to feel.

I miss my church there.
I miss an amazing group of girls there.
I miss the smell of the salty air& the ocean breeze.

And as I close my eyes on another day here in the desert I want to continue to choose to be content....but then why can't I stop these tears?