Fan or Follower

I am sad. Last month a beautiful young woman took her last breath on this earth & came face to face with Jesus. Her name was  Cassie. Gone , what many would say, too soon. She was in the 1st youth group God gave us.

Tonight, another former youth group member too his last breath. Bobby, once again so very young. His mom died 2 years ago.  & he has fought leukemia for the past year. His little sister isn't so little anymore but she is like one of my own kidlets.   There are no right words.

2 very  different goodbyes barely a month apart.

A harsh reminder at just how precious life is. Every. Single. Day. A GIFT.

And at the end of the night as I was turning off lights & shutting off moms tv an episode of *Not a fan* comes on TBN.

I sat there a complete mess.

See what you may not know is how deeply I have struggled this past year. Not all my children have chosen to follow Jesus and sometimes I struggle with it. What I saw very plainly tonight was that whether my own childen choose to follow Jesus, or not....MY life and if I choose to follow Jesus with everything I have affects SO many others. And I had to come face to face with the very real reality that will I continue to follow Jesus even if my kidlets choose not to...

Yes. Because I am a follower.  I am not just a fan of Jesus.

In the episode tonight they said "confessing Jesus as our Lord isn't something we say with our lips, it's something we do with our life"

What about you? Are you a fan? Or a follower?
Not sure?

Then PLEASE take a moment and visit www.notafan.com and decide.

3 weeks and counting

1st I want to tell you that my mom is doing amazingly well. And in the next few weeks she should be back to normal but without those cancer sticks ( aka cigarettes) in fact ... It has been over 3 weeks since she had even one.
I am really proud of her.
sometimes it takes a wake up... And I suppose having a dead leg and almost dying was that wake up for her.
I am busy weeding, taking my things to storage, spring cleaning and appointments and as of right now still very much in California apart from my band of gypsy travellers. And I miss them.
and if I am honest I don't completely understand but all I can do is trust that God knows what HE is doing.
It's a range of emotions.
and somewhere in the stillness it gives me time to continually SEEK Him.
and put together our much needed missionary support letters... I will put this time apart to good use.

It's just the waiting for answers I am having such a hard time with. The time apart. The quiet that is not my life.

I am still sharing the gospel bracelets and making good use of this season of way too much quiet...and helping mom to get back to normal. But its a new normal.

I suspect it will be interesting to see what God has planned.

On Friday last week I got a phone call from my mom's neighbor. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Knowing you're the ONLY person that can do anything is scary. We immediately booked a flight from Orlando to palm Springs but I couldn't fly out until Sunday. You go through a whole range of emotions as you find out a parent is in the hospital. My mom is only 65 & a 3 time cancer survivor. I was told her kidneys were shutting down. It was time to leave my husband with 6 kidlets in Florida and get to my mom
fast forward to Sunday. I went straight to the hospital before heading up to check on her dogs. Unfortunately it was Sunday & there were no doctors making rounds. Lots of ordered tests but no conclusive answers.

by It wasn't until Monday that I got a glimpse of the severity of her hospitalization. She had a blood clot that almost took her life. It had clogged her artery in her right leg for at least a few weeks. The doctor said they seriously considered amputation.

By Tuesday there were still a lot of unanswered questions but terms like COPD hung in the air & I boldly asked the BIG question. Did mom have cancer again? I think mom & I were both very surprised when he said she did NOT have cancer. He told her the clot was caused by smoking. That there are 2 basic kinds of clots. Non-smoking clots & smoking clots. And she almost died because of her choice to smoke. She told me to go home and get rid of all the cigearettes in front of him. ( those of you that know me... Know that I was more than happy to comply!)

what I did with them is on the other blog because that is a God story intertwined into my life & journey.

yesterday her color was so much better. She even ate food. She asked me to bring her clothes today because she wanted out of her hospital gown. She still may have a day or 2 in the hospital but things are looking better. I am unsure when I will head back to Florida to be with my family or whether they will start the journey here. We may need to remain within a much smaller travel distance as missionaries based on my moms needs. Time will tell.

we appreciate your prayers and support as we walk through this trial.

time for me to get up..grab a shower & head down to the hospital. Have a blessed day!

grape jelly

my dad ate a lot of peanut butter & jelly sandwiches as snacks before bed.

but it had to be grape jelly.

I despised grape jelly.

I like strawberry or plum or peach or apricot even blueberry and raspberry or better still blackberry.

but not grape.

and then my dad died.

now I buy a LOT of grape jam.

it reminds me of him.
and now peanut butter isn't quite the same without grape jam.

I have a FREE digital copy to give away!!!!

I have an uber cool opportunity to give away a free digital copy of Chicks Without Bricks
written by 12 amazing full time traveling women.
Whether you just want an adventure story to read or you are dreaming of one day embarking on your very own journey this is an amazing book. I am blessed to personally know one of the authors. What's even neater was how God crossed our paths. Margie & her family have been on the road full time for almost 4 years and has a fantastic family. Her kids immediately hit it off with ours playing guitar and just being kids. Her journey along with 11 others is in this little gem!

How to enter
like Narrow Road Schoolers on Facebook
and  enter the Rafflecopter entry form
A winner will be chosen Thursday January 23rd.

share this giveaway with friends!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Devalued

Devalued: To lessen or cancel the value of

The other day I received a text out of the blue from my daughter.

It read " You told Sara that you were never raped and that you told me that to scare me. Really!?" 

I  am STILL reeling.

Rape is hard enough without being told you're a liar 25 years after it happened to you.... but to be told that by my very own daughter was more devestating than ever. She insisted that someone (her story changed and she said it wasn't Sara later in the messages) told her that. I suspect that "someone" doesn't know me very well...because that's part of my challenging past... part of my "story".

I am not afraid to tell people... the details I don't elaborate on often because it is so very personal. It was my 1st time. Not a choice. But I CHOOSE to be an overcomer rather than a victim. The ONLY reason I can get through it sometimes is because Christ gives me the strength to overcome it.

The shattered pieces of my past are scars... and the last thing I needed was for those scars to be reopened... even when scars are healed sometimes there is scar tissue that once touched can be painful.

Being told I was a liar devalued what had happened to me. Back then I was 16 I never called the police. I WAS called a liar.. many times. I was 800 miles from home and I had been drinking underage.. and the guys that did it made sure to tell me no one would EVER believe me.

and today there is no "evidence" of the experience.
Unless you count the emotional scars or perhaps the nightmares that creep into my head from time to time. Or perhaps the  times I still shy away from my husband as he sneaks up behind me being harmlessly cute and I jump away.
 Yes. It is in my past, and yes.
I have survived it.
 and yes.
 I have chosen to be an overcomer.
but YES. I have scars.

and NO.
I never lied about it.

yay or nay

  I am toying of the idea of quieting this blog.

It was a part of who we are.. without it we would not be who we have become...

and yet I wonder if it's a chapter that is closing.

I do not imagine that our life travelling full- time fits into this...

or perhaps it does and I just cannot see exactly how.

our road adventures encompass pretty much every aspect of our life and for those adventures we began the NARROW ROAD SCHOOLERS blog and Facebook page

but this was our ranch life... our military life..

and things have changed a lot.

Being on the road full time is changing us too.

making our eyes see that there is SO MUCH MORE...

So.. I guess the only question is are any of you out there not yet following our new journey?
Or would you prefer I post here as well....

quiet around here...

I haven't quite managed how to figure out hosting 2 blogs at once, moving around full time, taking care of my family with sketchy wifi on not so regular basis works out.

so this is a quick hello

if you want to see what's going on in our world drop on over to

www.narrowroadschoolers.blogspot.com
or like our facebook page at
Narrow Road Schoolers and say hello.

A Journey

I have been overweight for wayyy too long.
this week I am going to start a journey.
it's a journey to lose at least 1/3 of myself and really take back my life.

It may not be easy.

I am just praying it works. What I do know is that it has for other people.

now it's my turn.

Little Bug's very 1st haircut

there are topics blogging that are easy to talk about.

and then others.

well....

they are not.

My husband is my cheering committee
encourging me to write aout real life

but... well.... sometimes real life is messy

and of course, then there is the fact that a blog post could hurt a situation rather than build it up

and this past week our world was shook to the core.

and we knew it would be.... or we knew it could be.
I mean you don't commit to going on the road as full time missionaries without knowing that will cause serious growing pains
but . wow. has it caused growing pains.
maybe more like labor pains.

Our 18 yearold daughter was on the fence about joining us.
I had hoped she would spend part of her summer on the road with us before stepping off for her own adventure.
And at one point...
you know the point before I had the prayer cards printed she said she would.
so we made her things fit alongside the other 8 people in the 29 foot camper.

but.

she got cold feet.

and in the mix of life being insanely crazy...
she decided to move out.

and so we are picking up the pieces from what could have been a good departure
that turned into a preplanned move out without our knowledge.
it has left us much like a deer on a dark highway trapped in the headlights of distaster
 and having to choose
whether or not to jump into the headlights into certain disaster
or turn away and head for the uncertainty of the dark woods.
scared.
shaken.
but not defeated.

trusting that God will watch over her.

and that our journey will begin & cross with hers again.

and holding fast to Scriptures many promises.

It's bigger than us...

Once upon a time I drove to Oceanside.... certain God would lead us back there.
and then on the drive back to this desert place I knew better.

and it all seemed so very complicated.

Go on the road full time as missionaries with your family.

OK God... then what?

then let me show you the plan.

Oh wow. Have we ever been revealed a plan.

And rather than put God in some kind of box
 & tell you this is what the plan is

I will say this is how we feel led to serve at this point.

We are planning to be on the road by July 1, 2013 in a pull behind camper with our children
we plan to use music and christian films as a tool to share the gospel with people we meet in campsites.

       How?
          Well. As families come into a location we will be there all set up with a movie & an easy pot luck style dinner set up . do crafts (like Gospel bracelets) with the kids and maybe play a short kid friendly christian film (Auto B. good, Angel Wars, Veggie tales etc) ... get to know parents etc. Invite people back the following night for music or something or even show a christian feature film. As we get to know the areas people are from perhaps point them in a direction of a local church near them (hopefully one connected to Harvest America).

We still need a lot of money to pull the getting on the road part off.
Also we need to rent or sell our home.
We are also in need of a decent projector to hook up to our computer.

And our next BIG SALE is this weekend.
(you can even see a sample of what is for sale if you join the Facebook event at this link)

We have a blog set up and a Facebook page
and our prayer cards & business cards arrived this past week

this is getting really real.

but I really don't think this is even a fraction of what God could do through this ministry... but I tend to dream big. But why shouldn't I? I serve a GREAT BIG God!

Bittersweet

the preparations are being made for the horses to go.

I am not sure I want to talk about it.

It is such a bittersweet feeling.

That was one of the biggest reasons to come back here ...
to this desert place.

This was never ever in my wildest dreams how I saw it.

but it is how it is turning out.

& it is strangely ok.

I am sure I will cry real tears when the majestic equines depart.

and I adore them.

but it is a season of change ordained by God.

a little bit scary....
   .... and a little bit exciting.

a new chapter.

Our little secret

Well it's out.

the little secret that we have been contemplating.

but I want to tell you how it began.

about 5 years ago my husband asked me if I would consider taking a tour through the USA in a camper or RV.

I politely told him NOT on his life.

Be careful what you say you will never do.

About a month ago we started talking about jobs & ministry & just being here.

and as we looked at jobs we realized none were here in the desert.

so we started talking about selling or renting and buying a camper and moving back to oceanside (aka my camelot) and having him find a job here in SoCal
and then my husband called our pastor in Oceanside
and we began to realize that with a Bachelors in religion close at hand Frank could actually consider stepping into a church as a children or youth pastor while he continued to get his masters.

so we started looking at sites for pastors to apply.

and noone was hiring in Oceanside.

and I looked aat my husband and asked... " so am I putting God in a box? telling God the only place we can go is Oceanside" Insert knowing smile on my husbands face...

at which point I asked " what if we sold everything and went on the road as missionaries?"

Frank blinked & smiled.

and said something like "If I hadn't brought you here to the desert you would have never seen this"

so.

as Frank finished his last 8 weeks of school that is precisely what we are doing.
Selling practically everything & hitting the open road in a 29 foot pull behind camper.

and this blog will be still my personal blog but if you are curious about our upcoming journey you will have to pop on over to our new ministry blog & read about the adventure that is underway.

or you can follow us on Facebook at Narrow Road Schoolers

this desert place.....

a very long time ago I started a blog. here.

and recently I have not written here.
not.
at.
all.

It isn't that I have nothing to say.

or that I am not reading God's word and gleaning from it...

or listening & reading amazing pastors and absorbing some amazing teaching.

BUT.

I find myself a year later writing bitter diatribes in my head about the desert
& I am certain that is NOT what I should be posting.

or how very challenging life is right now... emotionally, financially, with babies, raising teens, homeschooling,ranch life...the list goes on.

or how I am struggling with fellowship here in this desert place.

I want to say what I am learning as I grow...

but honesctly it is a day to day struggle to put one foot in front of the other

life is almost mundane.
rythmic.

days blend together.

here. in this desert place.

I want to be back in the front lines in ministry serving alongside some fantastic Holy Spirit led people at NewSong in Oceanside... but God obviously has other plans for me right now.

plans that I need to find contentment in.

but I feel so far removed from what the Bible tells me I should be doing...
the living active thriving part of a church.
I feel like I don't do enough here...
in this desert place.

and yet I stand on the promise that God has plans for me.
and a future.

I want God to say to me what He told Jeremiah.

but maybe that is asking too much.

Maybe my plate is too full.

Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me.

But God's WORD says we are supposed to be a light.
share the Gospel. 

But if I am not DOING those things and just training my children..
perhaps I truly am just going through the motions.

& God knows my heart.
I want more than that.

The Elephant In The Room

 

I think I have mentioned I am struggling. 

I am struggling with a proverbial metaphor

no one talks about it. 

and yet it is still there. 

actually it's a whole herd of elephants.

everyone can see them

yet we simply ignore them

problem is ....

they are still there. 

BIG 

and 

OBVIOUS

and yet we simply pretend not to see them. 

and because noone says anything we don't either.

and honestly .. it's cramping my style.

I am a blood bought born again sold out zealous Jesus Freek.

and the silence is killing me.

and if I talk about how we don't outreach and share the Gospel and people die & go to hell 

or

the fact that people have issues... they have sex and cut and struggle with pornography

or 

that there are marriages in REAL trouble

or 

the very real issues of kids in abusive homes

or

 talking about the  dangers of witchcraft to include gaming addictions

or....

well ... 

and we sit in the comfort of our homes or even the comfort of our Sunday morning safe church sessions and we have idle chit chat and don't really and truly ever address the real things that require repentance and we simply pretend they are not within the walls of our community...

our neighborhoods...

our churches... 

our homes...

our families...

and we dance between the pachyderms in our lives.

Oh Lord, FORGIVE US. 

And show someone like me how to handle teaching and sharing the love of Jesus

 with kindness that brings true repentance. 

or lead me where I can do THAT kind of ministry.

because ... I can't stand the silence in a room of elephants anymore
 

Silent in the shadows

I am in a fog.
An achy heart wrenching fog.
& while there are many thoughts I could share...
I don't have any idea where...
Or how..
To even begin.

So I am absent.

Lessons in the great flood.

So I taught children's church this morning and as I did I really had to think about Noah.

To be counted the ONLY righteous man.

To watch everyone reject God.

To obediently build an ark in the middle of the desert.

His faithfulness & character was what protected him... and yet we often don't talk about what he went through.

Like what it must have been like to watch everyone die fr the rising waters and be completely helpless to help them.

Or to build a boat from the ground up without so much as a drawing ... or email... or you tube video.

Or just the idea of impending rain ... in the middle of the desert... and obediently
building a boat... because God said so.

And it's really made me think.

Would God find me faithful enough.
Righteous enough.
Honest enough.
Obedient enough.

Breakfast: Photo a day..day 3

We were off bright & early to the Palm Springs Air Museum for the First Lego League's Robot competition.. so there was no time for breakfast ( for me anyway) so my breakfast was this bottle off soda. 

yep.

real healthy. 

I know

Day 2 Photo challenge: color

 in the desert

 in the mountains

at the harbor

(my favorite)