Silent in the shadows

I am in a fog.
An achy heart wrenching fog.
& while there are many thoughts I could share...
I don't have any idea where...
Or how..
To even begin.

So I am absent.

I don't like to feel

Sometimes i wish i could just put a lid on my emotions. I have talked here before about how i dislike the desert .... and I realize I am called ...as a believer in Christ....to be content in whatever season I am in.

But I remember so vividly sobbing each time I left Oceanside. Each trip *home* to the desert... just guttural sobs as I drove to my new home. My place to " be content".

There are still days like that for me here.  And sometimes it would be nice not to feel.

I miss my church there.
I miss an amazing group of girls there.
I miss the smell of the salty air& the ocean breeze.

And as I close my eyes on another day here in the desert I want to continue to choose to be content....but then why can't I stop these tears?

The next 30 Days

So for the past several years I have gone on a journey with some amazing Godly women praying for their husbands....

And I have quit

Every. Single. Time.
 I am not proud of it. But I always want to be real.
 I have always wanted to write a prayer journal for my husband.
I have 3.
Completely. Unfinished.
 So this month. Today actually. I begin again. A fresh start. A journey of prayer.
And it must be a great journey... or it wouldn't be so difficult.
A struggle.
 In fact... this excerpt is in the very 1st chapter. She says she had a conversation with God that went something like this:
 Day 1: His Wife

"Do you see the way he is Lord?" Do you see the way you are? "Lord. Are you saying there are things you want to change in me?" Many things. Are you ready to hear them? " Well I guess so..." Tell me when you're really ready "Why me God? He is the one that needs to change" The point is not WHO needs to change. The point is who is WILLING to change "But God. This isn't fair." I never said life is fair. I said I am fair. "But I...." Someone has to be willing to start. "Do I have to pray for my husband even if he is not praying for me?" Precisely. "Oh this is going to be painful! I can't believe I am saying this.. (deep breath)... change ME Lord"

Absent

silence. empty blog space. empty journals. but life has not been remotely quiet. busyness. new baby. new house. unpack boxes. make dinner. homeschool the kidlets.see my husband retire from the usmc. happens faster then you can blink... & then the baby turned 2 months old.reading books. memorizing Awana verses. blink again. another week or two gone. lunch with my mom. An afternoon with friends.the horse Joey comes home ... family days. shopping for a prom dress. blink. no don't! blink cuz I might miss something. and I really don't want to keep missing things. so absence, not silence. from blogging happened.

nothing like a fire to heat things up

this week the mountain behind my house was ablaze as we headed out to church wednesday night. SO I scooped up the kids & the dogs .. dropped the dogs off at grandma's house and took the kids to church. Honestly it was a bit scary as I have never been that close to a wildfire... and while I was assured it was "too far away to reach us" there was still that nagging voice in the back of my head wondering if evacuation would be necessary & if it was what would happen to our house?

and then I felt God whisper... "its all temporal... you have the important things in your truck"

While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also Matthew 6:19-21

and then in the midst of my worry & concern I started thinking about and praying for friends that are struggling in a more profound way... so I started to pray for them. and while that didnt change the position or location of the wildfire it did change my focus. And the worry that I could have allowed to overtake me was held at bay.

We came home after church and tracked down an officer and asked if we should find somewhere to stay for the night. He assured us that the winds had died down & that we should be safe for the night.. and in the event that an evacuation became necessary they would go through and insist everyone evacuate. So I packed up a laundry basket full of clean clothes and prepped for the worst & prayed for the best.

As Judah woke up through the night to feed I looked out the window and saw flashlights out there manning the fire.. and as the night progressed there was less and less fire and what felt like more and more flashlights. By morning there were a few smoke plumes but for the most part the fire was out...

but then I had to consider... would I be as thankful if God had allowed the fire to rage and consume this area. and I was just thankful I didnt have to consider that. The kids , the dogs & I were safe. and that was more than enough to be thankful for.

life's been a wee bit crazy

a piece of advice....

when you're husband is less than 6 months from retiring from the USMC.

do not plan to have a baby... buy a house in the desert.... move yourself & all your belingings and your children to that house less than 5 days before the c-section is scheduled over 100 miles away....

and remember the baby and raising the kids is more important than unpacking the boxes....

yep. life is crazy

but he is beautiful...

welcome to our family Judah Benjamin

large family comebacks from a fellow blogger.....

Please enjoy this amusing read from http://blogginbridget.blogspot.com/2007/12/large-families-faq-with-come-backs.html
Large Families FAQ with Come Backs.

1) You have your hands full!

Yes, happily so!
Yes, and my heart too.
Don't say anything, just look puzzled at your hands. (This does obviously
not work if you are carrying a baby :-)
Yes, but I would rather have my hands full than empty!


2) Are they all yours?

No, I just went to Rent-a-Brat.
No, this is not all of them, my oldest is at home with the triplets. HEHE!
No, actually two are the mailman's and I am not sure whose is that one.....
No, I picked up a couple extra in the produce aisle.
Gee, I never heard that question before!
Of course they're all mine. Do you think I take five (or fill in your
number) kids shopping for fun?
No..........I have two more at home! (When it fits)
Yes, and they're such good kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the kids love that one!)
Of course they are..wait..who is that one? Hes not ours.....oh,yeah, 5 , I
forgot I had him.
I don't know. How many do you count?
Yes. But if you have any you don't want, I'll gladly take them, too .
No. I've been an avid collector for years and just picked these up in the
food court!
Yes, at least that's what I tell my husband.
Yes, we just enjoy sex soooooo much!
Why do you want to know?
Well, not today.
We are trying to get into the Guiness Book of World Records of (add whatever
here) most kids, largest family living in one house, etc.
Yes, I always want just one more.
Check back in nine months and you'll see for yourself.


3) Don't you know what causes that?

No, please tell me!
Of course, don't you?
Yes, we do know what causes that and we like it very much, thank you.
Oh yes, we finally figured it out and we now keep the tooth brushes in
seperate glasses!
Oh yes, I now wash my husband's underwear seperately.
Oh yes, having a great sex life!
Water or sex but I don't want to give up either.
Smile brightly and say with enthusiasm "Yes and we like it!"
You bet I do......love, love, love ( & sex, sex, sex.....hehehe.......)
Yes,and as you only have two kids obviously you dont do it much.
Yes, and it is something I am very good at...
Of course, and the Lord has greatly blessed us!
A strong husband/wife relationship, big hearts, and the Lord's blessing.


4) Are you going to get fixed?

Nope, I am not broken!
Why do you want to know?
Huh, we thought everything was working fine for us!?!
We didn't know anything was broken.
Don't you only fix things that aren't working properly?
Well as you can see be the size of OUR family everything is in working
order. :)(You have to say this last one with the kinda "I'm not to bright so
your question seems kinda foolish don't you think?" attitude.


5) I can't believe how you do it, I cannot even handle my two!

Yes, if I had kids like you, I wouldn't have any more either!
Yes, you don't strike me as the type who could handle more kids than that.
I do it like most people, in bed and after the kids are sleeping.
I put knobs on the kids. Makes them easier to handle.
Everyone has 24 hours in a day, it is just how you use it...nt
With lots of patience, patience, patience
go and look at them while they're sleeping. This reminds me of what sweet
children of God they are and keeps me going!
Oh, I just do it. Wake up in the morning, do what you have to do all day, go
to bed when it's done.
Pick your battles carefully. It helps to have selective sight and hearing!
Don't sweat the small stuff.
(this is a good one for chat rooms) Oh, straight jackets and handcuffs!


6) Are you planning to have any more?

I've been wondering about this and maybe you can explain it to me: I always
thought you had to plan NOT to have more.
Before we were married we planned on having 2, but I didn't know that my
husband couldn't count!
We didn't plan the first five, I don't think we'll plan the next five,
either.



7) I hope you aren't planning to have anymore?!?



You mean, I just figured out what I'm really, really good at, and you're
telling me to stop doing it?
Talk to God about it... it's up to Him.
Well, we do have room in our Yukon for 1 more. LOL!!!!!
OK, I won't plan my next one. Surprises can be fun!
Yup we are going to keep going till we get an ugly one.



8) Haven't you heard of birth control?



Yes, and I thank God it doesn't always work!
Yes, I've heard of it, I hope you are using it!
(for dad) Yes, but I just can't find a rubber that will fit me!
Yes, that's great stuff for people with ugly kids!
Oh yes, we do know what birth control is; it's for people who don't want
children.


9) Don't you have a television?

Yes, but we only get X-rated channels
Yes! Did you know there are 28 porn channels in this area?
No, we have much better things to do at night!
Yes 4 of them. Why?



10) How can you afford having so many?

Lifestyles are expensive not kids.
We're not on welfare, in huge amounts of debt, and no, my husband is not a
doctor or lawyer. We just budget well.
I figure you spend what you make, you may as well spend it on more.
" You don't know my financial backer!" (God, of course)
I'm still not sure how we do it...but it works!


11) I am glad it is you and not me!

Yes, me too!
My kids are glad it's me and not you too! ;-)
Oh me too! I love being a mother! and smile real BIG!


12) Do you get any time for yourselves?


Obviously we get a little time to ourselves, or we wouldn't have five kids.


13) Did you give birth to all of them?

Yes, I gave birth to them all. Do you really believe the stork dropped them
off?



14) When people just keep staring at your family....

Yes, they all are mine!
No, we don't try to overpopulate the earth, just to outnumber the idiots!

season of change.... again

well... its almost here. February. and still I am pretty absent from the bloggy world. but soooooooo many changes are upon us. We are buying a house. Have I mentioned that? And certainly not where we THOUGHT we would buy a house. Its a house back in the desert.

and this is the view from our back yard.
it is exciting..
and scary...
and not somewhere I ever thought we would would "retire" from the USMC. not in my wildest dreams. but we close on the house this week and the shift is happening. We are busy decluttering and packing and sorting....and in an amazing way it all feels very right. Like it's where we belong. But in so many ways and on so many levels that doesn't make any sense.
And we have loved our time here.... beach side and days filled with cotton candy sunsets. Strolling the wharf and spending time with dear friends....

and I for one will miss it.

but its ok this time. I know we can come back and visit. Its just a short 2 hour drive west from where we are going.

and changes are coming. a big move.. a baby at the end of the month, a scheduled c-section and last but not least my hubby retiring from the USMC. crazy changes. exciting changes. maybe even a bit unnerving changes.

but we will keep looking upward counting on God to direct our steps as He always has.

Schnoodle sadness....

We buried Bella today. She was a schnoodle and she was 10 months old. And while her cause of death is unclear it might have been a direct result of an adverse side effect from a pill called "comfortis" known to kill fleas.

What is in the fine print is that it causes all sorts of side effects. vomiting. up to 6 days. decreased appetite. Lethargy. diarreah. and seizures just to name a few. it is a systemic pesticide that we now "safely" give our animal to get rid of fleas. And I did something I never do. I gave it to her without reading about the risks before administering it.

why?
I have no idea.

I am a shot delaying mama.
I dont even do the flu shot cuz i have read too much negative stuff.
and yet I gave my 10 month old pup a pestiticide to ingest to rid us of fleas.
stupid.
and now she is gone.

we buried her today in the desert. the vet said Tuesday to bring her in by Thursday if she didnt get better. problem is Wed she seemed deaf. and perhaps had already had tonic seizure activity. she was still drinking and trying to eat... but it was too late. When we awoke this morning she had died in her sleep..

perhaps there were underlying issues. I will never know. What I do know is that I will never give my dogs a flea pill again. I will go topical long before I ever consider giving them an internal pesticide.

before you do please read ALL the links in this post thouroughly.

An Urgent matter

It's Time from IPHC Ministries on Vimeo.

I am sure none of my readers have ever experienced mommy burn out before...
but I am there.
at the cusp of why do i homeschool my children?
(knowing all the reasons why i do it)
why doesnt anyone ever obey me?
why can't they just seem to care about what they do...?

so we changed gears this year. A more relaxed approach. but it just seems like they dont care..about anything sometimes. It feels like I prepare or get excited for something only to walk upstairs and see my hallway and a bedroom thrashed by legos.... or see the arm of yet another doll chewed by the puppy.... i think I am just completely and utterly overwhelmed. exhausted. frazzled. and burnt out.

but if that is true... where does that leave us as a homeschooling family?
Even a more relaxed one?
I feel like with each passing day
I am just a little more taken advantage of...
just a little more less respected....
just a little more discouraged.....
just a little more overwhelmed....
just a little more exhausted.

I know my joy is in the Lord.
I am just having a really hard time keeping and maintaining   a happiness  with my children.
and why I homeschool is multilayered.
I feel led to do it.
but I really want to enjoy my kids.
and i dont know what to do at this point to change any part of that equation.
so
yeah. 

unit study: snails

 so, homeschooling is in full swing around here and while I do encourage the kids to do some self directed learning we do like to get together and do family unit studies at least once a month.... so in August our topic was ......

SNAILS

 We spent some time making some places for our garden snails to hide from predators

 and some time making snail families.... out of clay

 and then we took on the garden science experiment to discover how many snails lived in  our garden.... 

we marked 50 snails with dark blue non toxic paint

 recorded data

 were very curious

 held a snail olympics (not really)

but we did study their behaviors and mannerisms

 found out each one had an individual personality

 and even got a little silly

 we discovered in our garden that we have about 650 snails. we went back a week later and collected as many as we could in the same amount of time it took us to find the 1st 50 at the same time of day. apparently when you divide that number (50) by the number you found you get the approximate number of snails in your garden.

I love doing unit studies with the kids. I think there is sometimes more that you can learn as a group from one another. We did some other stuff too. A snail lapbook from homeschoolshare.com as well as some water color paintings of snails. we read a few good online articles here & here and even wrote a few creative tales about them! My younger kids even did some fun phonics printables about them!

and this time anyway, we even remembered to take a few photos! and videos!!

Invisible

recently I went to a Women of Faith concert in Anaheim CA this past weekend and saw an incredible skit by Katherine Everett, an exceptionally talented young lady who led a skit called "Invisible"

Some days I think that is my life...

that no one sees me... or hears me..or even notices when I am not there.


And then I saw this invisible woman skit (except it was done by Catherine Everett)

and I realized, maybe...

I want to be invisible.

If you are a woman... a wife... a mom... and feeling a little less than visible please please GO & watch this.





Perhaps you too will start to want to feel invisible, like me.

our week at Family Camp

Scrapbook design customized with Smilebox

Take time to remember

Freedom isn't free.

Bringing baby starfish home

I have a new friend at church. A special lady named Mary  She and her husband have created an amazing blog as they adopt a baby from Uganda. Can you help them out?

... Please "like" or leave a comment on our posts on Earth Monkey Mom's page today. Whoever gets the most action gets free advertising on their blog for a week! We could REALLY use this since we had almost no fundraising action for quite a while now... Thank you! ♥

Or you can check out her fundraising site here

Help them bring baby starfish to his new home.

Read their blog. and share their story!

Will You?

a day not so long ago we met. 2 women - but very different paths.
her blue eyes pierced my heart.

I have 6 children that have been raised in and by the church, and while daddy has been away serving overseas he is still a very constant part of our family

she has a bunch of children, 5... I think. their daddy is away right now too. serving. but not in the military. these children more like orphans clinging to those people willing to invest in them but at the same time guarded.

We have a steady income. clothes on our back. a roof over our head. food in the cupboard.

she is on welfare. caught in a system. living in the worst section of town. her power was off for a week. they took cold showers. no heat. and her cupboards are bare.

my children still have a sense of wide eyed wonder about so much.

hers are hardened and have their innocence robbed by the world they exist in.

I have chosen a path even before Christ of the straight and narrow.

she struggles with addiction
and yet...

I am drawn to her and her children.
not because it's safe.

and its a messy, sticky and uncomfortable situation.
             but
   I am here. drawn into the heart of it.
I can see even where God would ask me

WILL YOU?

Will I what, Lord?
      be a friend?
         sure.
at first it was just at church.
   where for me it was "safe"

But is that really what God asks?

  WILL YOU?

Will I what Lord?
       encourage your children to be friends with her children?
     really Lord?
          HE will protect them.
   HE will keep them safe.

But still that nagging

  WILL YOU?

take it not one step further ... but way more.
   help her past the point of my comfort zone.
take the extra mile
  not just offer a smile and a hug in passing.
will you go to her house.
be her friend...
   so if the opportunity arises...
you might be there to be a mentor...
   even to disciple her?

.................... but I am not worthy of that.
and to be honest it scares me.

and I hear the Lord remind me that He will be my strength...
He will be the teacher.
     He will be the redeemer...
He will rescue.
   He will save.
He can show her
all I have to do is have a willing and open heart and give HIM all the glory...
 cuz... in my own strength
I am nothing.

climbing to new heights

 on saturday we practiced rock climbing

 on Monday we did it.... for real

I love the church we have found.

every week there are little shiny pebbles that are vivid reminded that this is where God has placed us.


just this afternoon I sat at lunch with a wonderful lady
who told me that they followed us to church last week
she said she told her son she was stalking us :)

I can't wait to get to know her better!


and the week before that met an energetic vivacious lady that introduced herself by telling me she had been stalking me ... our boys played together for the past few weeks and have really hit it off... only to find out she has other children with similar ages, and they homeschool.


teehee.

not in a creepy lock up your children sort of way.

but it's neat to see how the Lord is putting us right where we belong.


and we do feel like we belong.


just last week I got to sit with a young woman who leads a group of sophomore girls.
and I think to myself how amazing it is that God brought us here. now.


I can see for the past few years that our journey was not in vain. In fact each step required faith and growth.  I can even clearly see the trials we endured and how they worked together for good.
And now I long to drop roots and be deeply planted.

I can see friendships forming.


I want to let the Son reflect in all I do.

and I thank God for those shiny spots in the streambed that he allows me to see.

A fork in the road

so...

back in January if you had told me that I would still be out here on the coast...

instead of being moved into our new home in the desert

I probably would have called you crazy

actually people called me crazy for wanting to move back to the desert.

I almost wondered if I was

but,

we are not.

at least not now.

and for part of my heart,

there is an emptiness

an ache.

a longing to be there.

and yet.

here is where we remain.

We have found a great church

 we are getting plugged in.

it almost , just maybe, could possibly be a good fit.

like an old pair of shoes.

 not perfect.

but comfortable.

(if I ever find the perfect church I can't join it anyway.... I'd just mess it up)

so.... for now.

we will listen to that still small voice.

that leaves us here near the ocean

close to our land of milk and honey

and surfers, and days near the beach.

of balmy coastal breezes and

salty ocean air...

and see where that leads us.

I was so sure the opportunity in the desert was from God.

and perhaps it was just that.

a road...

to choose.

that small voice

says

but... what if you stay?