up & down

So I am doing a typical roller coaster emotionally for a spouse gearing up for another deployment. Several things are different though, many of those differences are due to the fact that this whole deployment has yet to feel real. In fact, the training schedule has been so light, that I am so afraid that the carpet will be yanked out from under me when the real deal takes place that I will land squarely on my behind.

I am emotional. which is very unlike me.

I am not dealing with many of those emotions on so many levels.

I am tired all. the . time.
which is "normal" for predeployment jitters.

I am secluding myself and pulling away from people...
which again appears to be a normal response as we head into this thing we call deployment.

and here I am on the roller coaster of life once again....
asking God to take the controls....
cuz I can't do this alone.

oh...did I mention my hubbys training schedule was supposed to take him away from us most of July has been changed once again (argh!) not sure if I should jump for joy or stomp my feet in frustration. Semper Gumby :)

a month

ok so I have been absent....

sort of.

I have been on facebook (although less that my last post) and I have hopped on my blog wondering what is timeworthy to talk about...

and I have been at a loss.

I mean life has certainly been full of enough adventures to share
but
I can't seem to find the right words these days.

anyhow. I am still around.
homeschooling through the summer
spending time with the hubby before our upcoming deployment
and trying not to dwell on life or what it holds...

this is just a hi to the few of you that DO read my blog :)
and hopefully I will be back to writing soon....

the dangers of social networking

yesterday evening I updated my status on facebook... it read...

why, when people die, do we automatically assume they went to heaven?

well I sparked a debate. an unitended debate. apparently one of my "friends" had posted about someone she knew dying and automatically assumed I had seen her post.

I had not.

and when going to check what she said I found she had unfriended me...

and when I went to write her a message....

I found out she had completely blocked any inbound emails from me....

it was NOT a personal attack on whatever her status said, I hadnt even read her status... I had simply updated mine from the application on my phone... which hadn't shown me the update on her status... which I have officially never seen.

what bothers me is that ONE single comment can end a friendship.

are we so shallow that we end friendships based on status updates. I find that utterly incredible.

now I understand my status update had to be pretty close in succession to hers on facebook to have her take it so very personal - but what kind of friend doesnt even ask you to work it out???

and if this friend is "outa here" over a facebook post I wonder how many other faux friends I have out of the 200+ friends.... most all of which I have know in real life.... so I have decided to cool it for a week and take a break from facebook cuz it so isn't worth this kind of stress.

and as much as I love that facebook keeps me connected with friends, I despise that it divides people just as quickly.

let me ALWAYS choose to praise.....

I don't DO drama

in fact the ONLY thing drama makes me want to do is hide like a turtle in a hole, pull away and get as far from it as possible.

and so

that's where I am right now.

hiding.

facing it alone

have I mentioned I am married to a marine.

yep for almost 16 yrs now.

which means we are facing another deployment.

and while we have done it before facing it again is still completely different, and yet has a smell that is all too familiar.

last Sunday he left. for school. this time.
2 weeks.
the first few days breezed by...
but saturday is comin, and saturday is a daddy day.

and its a precursor for the things that are coming.

this 2 weeks, apart in different time zones is a flickiering reminder that the time will so soon be upon us where he will be oceans apart rather than just a few thousand miles.

and there isnt time to dwell on those times that will define our future.

but those circumstances wont define how we face it.
at least that is my prayer.

For an audience of ONE

lately, I have had to examine my motives

Why do I do the things I do?

you probably have it all together and dont ever find yourself perplexed as to why you do the things you do.... but yeah, I have, this week....

thought about it, that is....

and I know the ONLY one that should matter is Jesus. But sometimes.... I get caught up so far in myself that I forget that.

But I will choose to be a worshipper who will not allow myself to be defeated. I long for my life to be an offering to God. All of it.
I want my fire for God not just to be a spark thats embers glow a bit, but ablaze for all to see only so that I can glorify my Father in heaven.

Oh Lord, let me be THAT kind of worshipper.

living to please the Lord...

and constantly reminded that I do it all for an audience of One.