Friday, June 29, 2012

My "It's NOT a 5 minute Friday " post

so it's Friday.... which means I whould be writing my "5 minute Friday post on ...Dance"

and I just don't want to.

lately I am facing a lot of that.

Things I *should* do that I just don't want to do.

and I am angry.

and scared.

The changes are coming.

And I do not like them.

I am angry that I did almost everything in my power to get the horses here and yet my 17 yr old no longer even seems to care. And all that time and energy and money into my paddock was supposed to be our trip to family camp at Forest Home.... and now we cannot go. And I am really trying not to be resentful about it. but I am having a difficult time.

I feel like all getting out of the USMC has done is prove how broken our family is.

And we aren't broken in BIG ways just a million little tiny ways.... or so it seems.
to me anyhow.
Not that you could ever see it.
Or even that we try to hide it.
Cuz we don't.
in fact we are accused of being WAY to real.

so one more dryer full of clothes and checking the oldest two kidlets bags who are off to church camp tomorrow. & I need to spend a few minutes... well maybe more than that in prayer that my heart wouldn't be resentful that they get to go ... even if it's not Forest Home.... and I do not. and really, it's not like family camp could have fixed those million broken shattered peices all in a week anyway...

Sunday, June 24, 2012

deep breath

I have been a huge mix of emotions these past few months.
new baby. new home. move. new life

and I don't know what God has planned for us here. 
But ... I suppose it is time to put  on a brave face & start living again. 
and maybe.. just maybe take a few pictures of our journey

Friday, June 22, 2012

5 Minute Friday: RISK

Want to know how Five Minute Friday got started? All the details are over here now on its own, special Five Minute Friday page.

Because, as we all know, the first rule of Five Minute Friday is leaving an encouraging comment for the person who linked up before you. Casey is an amazing mom and a dear friend. I figure if she can make time for this today with her busy life so should I!
So, set your timer, clear your head, for five minutes of free writing without worrying about getting it right.
 So click the graphic to jump over to Lisa's page to post your 5 minutes on RISK!

Here goes nothing. 

only 5 minutes...

my life feels like a complete risk right now. 
Frank retiring from the USMC. 
 a new baby. 
Arianna starting college in the fall.
Frank starting school in August.
farrier school.
staying in California.
the unknown
starting a new life.
retiring an old life.

It's all a risk. you see up until now there was a pretty much no fail plan. 

but now. 

life is a risk.

and it is frightening. 

knowing that we are raising a family of 7 children and not knowing what the future holds. Up until now there has always been a plan. but now?

there are bigger risks. 

bigger what if's 

bigger why did we choose this?

bigger what of we didn't choose the right thing?

and is it even enough of a risk?

why here?

why now?

it just doesn't make any sense.... but I suppose if it did. then it wouldn't be much of a risk at all. 


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Life ..... and Death

This has been a hard week. We fostered a mama cat & 3 sweet baby kitties out of a  high kill shelter .

the mama kitty was a doll... or so we thought.

well..with people she is. totally sweet. completely litter box trained, this was someone's house pet that they dumped . very pregnant. And like many high kill shelters they simply destroy the mom & babies... unless a rescue group steps in with a foster. We were that foster.

Problem is. Mama cat got sick... what seemed like a cold turned into an upper respiratory infection. We headed to the vet last Thursday & bought lots of canned stinky food  to get mama cat to eat & gave her meds. But by the next morning... baby girl kitty had the sniffles. The vet had said if the kittens came down with it their prognosis wouldn't be good. and the very next day baby girl kitty (the kids called her Kaity) got sick. sniffles, sneezing wouldn't nurse. so we bottle fed. But fluid was building in her lungs and the end did not look good. This morning sometime between 4am & 6:30 she passed in her sleep.

But 2 nights ago mama kitty snapped. she suffocated the little grey & white kitten ( we think) and the ONLY reason I suspect that is because I SAW her try to kill his brother too. I actually pulled the mama off of him. Perhaps she knows something that we don't. But that surely didn't make it any easier waking up to what seemed like a healthy kitten... WHY would she kill him?

So we have one left.
 One cute fuzzy 2 and a half week ball of cute fuzziness.
 I have discouraged the kids from naming him yet though... since he too now has the sniffles. In fact, we go back to the vet again today to have him checked out. My heart is heavy. I wonder if I did these kitties any favors by bringing them home. Mama kitty definitely picked up a nasty virus from the shelter... and maybe in some small way we made these kittens lives better for 2 weeks.... I sure hope so.

But it isn't easy. losing such sweet babies is really hard on me & the kids emotionally.

Pray for us as this last little guy still isn't out of the woods... yet. pray he makes it through.

Friday, June 1, 2012

The next 30 Days

So for the past several years I have gone on a journey with some amazing Godly women praying for their husbands....

And I have quit

Every. Single. Time.
 I am not proud of it. But I always want to be real.
 I have always wanted to write a prayer journal for my husband.
I have 3.
Completely. Unfinished.
 So this month. Today actually. I begin again. A fresh start. A journey of prayer.
And it must be a great journey... or it wouldn't be so difficult.
A struggle.
 In fact... this excerpt is in the very 1st chapter. She says she had a conversation with God that went something like this:
 Day 1: His Wife
"Do you see the way he is Lord?" Do you see the way you are? "Lord. Are you saying there are things you want to change in me?" Many things. Are you ready to hear them? " Well I guess so..." Tell me when you're really ready "Why me God? He is the one that needs to change" The point is not WHO needs to change. The point is who is WILLING to change "But God. This isn't fair." I never said life is fair. I said I am fair. "But I...." Someone has to be willing to start. "Do I have to pray for my husband even if he is not praying for me?" Precisely. "Oh this is going to be painful! I can't believe I am saying this.. (deep breath)... change ME Lord"