Saturday, February 21, 2009

A Blessing in the Midst of Chaos.

Almost 2 weeks ago during the invitation at church I almost audibly heard...

"Do you trust me?"

I looked around... no, no one near me said that... I went back to singing....

I heard it again. strange.

" Do you trust me?"

I thought .... Lord You know I trust you.... and sort of laughed it off...

and then one last time....

" No I mean, do you really trust me?"

I was frozen. 2 days later took a pregnancy test that could have been read as maybe positive, so I went out and bought two more. took another one the next day that came up not pregnant (I was not messing around this time it was DIGITAL!) ... days passed, and I was 1 week late. And there was one digital test left. I refused to take it in the morning so i waited...and after many more trips to the bathroom than usual I caved a bit after lunch on Tuesday. DO you know what that digital pregnancy test said.... ???? It said I was pregnant.

So I decide that the only thing to do now is go to the naval hospital and have a real test done. Except I can't find my ID card anywhere.... all the while in the back of my head I am thinking why now? why after we got orders? why this week? and then a quiet peace sweeps over me.... and asks "do you trust me?"

as I drive to base on Wednesday to replace my long gone ID card and get another pregnancy test, somewhere between fear and excitement.... after the miscarriage in September there is most definitely a lingering fear, but also due to the circumstance surrounding Frank's orders that fear is lurking at the edges of my thoughts... and yet this baby could be the blessing amidst the chaos.

Franks orders have not changed. And the catch 22 we are in still exists although there is a possibility with the news of this pregnancy we will be moving with Frank in 6-8 weeks rather than staying behind. What does that mean for the house and the ranch? Those answers I do not know. The same God is in control of it it all. and I am pregnant with a little life inside of me.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A cure to sleep soundly again

Sore and tired- exhausted from finding long forgotten muscles. I remembered a remedy for insomnia that I had 'used' while frank was deployed almost 5 years ago. I started painting. I figured I can't take the paint with me when and if we move - SO- here ya go....

The boys room dry brushed to make it kinda look like jeans- trying for a cowboy 'look'
Justyn helping
a finished corner

and then - of course we moved into the hallway.... its not done yet. another week of this and FINALLY hanging the baseball mural for the boys room and I should at least get one more week of sound sleep and be well rested if I find myself sleepless once again!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

No news was good news....

at least without any news there was hope.

but here are the detail as I understand them.

Frank will proceed with given orders as well as continuing with the process of TSSC (top secret security clearance for all you non-military acronym reading folks out there) But it is a catch 22. He will be deployable again- which did not come as a surprise. Here is how it plays out though. We will remain here - for now- and pray that God provides a solution for this mess. We own the house and a foreclosure could set him up for not receiving the TSSC. he already has a Secret Security Clearance, which he could be stripped of if they proceed with the TSSC and he fails- which could seriously affect his job and the possibility of promotion.


I am still telling myself God is in Control. and He is.

So as of mid April to Mid may Frank will go 3 hours away. We still have to find him a place to live etc. I will be a mom holding down the fort. He needs a new car, a laptop and we need new cell phones. Please pray for us. We also covet your prayers though this time as there is even more to the story, that I will share as soon as I am able. Pray for my health and stress level.

and soon I will tell you all how I cured my insomnia.....

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


I hate waiting with no answer.

Frank had his meeting yesterday which went somewhat as we expected for very different reasons though. He is waiting for the 'official word' that he is not eligible for this clearance....

so he called the monitor today (who is the guy that calls the shots as to when and where we go in the USMC) and he was a tad bit upset with Frank. So please keep praying that whatever the new orders are we will follow God's will for our lives.

I will update as soon as I get any new official news.

Monday, February 9, 2009

please pray for Frank today

Frank has a meeting Tuesday with the people who determine if you even qualify for top secret security clearance. please pray for him if you think of him. One of two things will happen.

he will qualify & continue the process of executing his orders that are drawn for May 09

or he will be disqualified and be given new orders in a fairly short period of time.

Please simply pray for God's will though all of this.


Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm not who I was....

Tonight as I logged on to my facebook account an "old friend" started chatting with me. This was someone I knew back in high school that at some point (like so many others ) I was horrible to- As we were chatting he said "can I call you? Can we talk? " I agreed. somewhat reluctantly, as I have tucked that area of my life away with a giant DO NOT DISTURB sign on it. I am not proud of who I was back then. I was very sure of myself, self righteous, indignant, unafraid and couldn't care less about what people thought about me. Or so I thought.

I ran from that life, and honestly since marrying my husband - had rarely even glanced back (except with one friend -Hi MaryTara!!!). The rest as far as I was concerned could stayed buried in the past - but as always God has a different plan.

And then I found this cool tool on the net called facebook. And while I was looking for old friends from churches I stumbled across names and profiles of people I once knew when i was the person they remember, not who I am now.... And it was fun at first, to see who married who where they live now, photos of them their kids....

but tonight I was faced with the other side. The horrible reality of who I was. As I was talking to Tony (an old friend that went to the 'brother' school of the 'all girls' school I went to) I realized how badly I had hurt him, like I did to so many others. I have apologized to some -the ones that I could find- and those people have been gracious and even told me they forgive me. But I left a path of wreckage in my wake.

SO ... if you are here and you are someone I knew in high school or college PLEASE forgive me if I have wronged you, hurt you, crushed you, or not stood beside you in your dark hours. I am not that person anymore.

If you came here expecting to find that person you won't. You will find a heart filled with sorrow for wrongs I have done to others, wrongs I laid at the cross over 11 years ago but maybe did not come to seek your forgiveness personally. You will find someone that is still passionate about things she believes in- although none of those things in my life that today I strongly believe in- I would have stood for ...then. You will find a girl that has been hurt, beaten down, abused and survived because God has restored my life into something of beauty, not because I ever deserved it, but none of us do. That really is what grace is all about. You will find someone that believes in purity and teaching not only to wait for your spouse but from the moment God creates you he has your spouse picked out for you. You have a girl humbled that knows what it means to fall facedown before a Holy and Righteous God and while tested by fire, finds that the Refiner's Fire burns away all the impurities and things I do not need in my life. You will find a wife who chooses to love and honor her husband and follow him where he leads us through our journeys, who prays for him and cherishes him. You will find a mother, that fiercely loves her children- takes her job of a scripture teaching, God honoring, math tutoring, homeschooling, stay at home mom as a place of honor. You will find a woman who has made many mistakes in friendships, both before and after coming to know Jesus. You will find someone who gets joy from the journey, and understands a peace that passes understanding, and loves without limits. You will find a woman that still makes mistakes- no longer with malicious intent- a woman that finally understands AMAZING GRACE.

That woman, if you are seeking her, is here.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I am waiting on You God

This is my current theme song. WHile I wait, despite it all I will continue to Worship the Lord!