A line in the sand

well I did it this time.... I have laid it all on the line... and discussed with my mother the possibility of her moving out at some point.... and I suppose we will find out how she took the news over the next several days....

but she seems miserable here. She hates being here all the time. On almost a daily basis she tells me how trapped she feels, how worthless her life is here... and I just can't fix it for her.

and when she brought groceries home today I helped her unload them and I was hit in the face by a smell I have come to loathe.... cigarette smoke. I have suspected, even gone so far as to ask her if she was smoking again. She adamantly denied it. Before my parents even stepped on the plane they were both told they had to completely quit smoking to move in with us. Smoking outside and coming in was NOT part of the equation. And as I leaned over to grab the bags I saw it.

The ash tray in my dad's car was 1/2 full.

I came in and asked again. She lied straight to my face. I could still smell the lingering smell of smoke on her clothes.

It was all I could do not to lose it.

I told her she has a choice to make.

She does.

I will not tolerate a smoker in our home with our children. If she wants to put herself in the ground by smoking those horrible cancer sticks I will not support it.

I do not know what to do. I suppose I wait and se if she chooses to move out.

Let me say this. I am not throwing her out or asking her to make a choice with no income. Last week she went to SSI and applied for widows benefits and she has already received her first check - and it is more than half of what Frank and I make monthly. SO she can afford to live on her own, should she choose to do so.

and try not to listen to the sound of my dad's voice in my memory saying... "but you promised to take care of her"
And I did... but that promise was made that I was not moving smokers into my home. They had agreed to COMPLETELY quit. And yes. I knew I was asking a lot.

How many people have to suffer for her choices under our roof?

I stopped biting my nails 15 years ago, but then

my mom moved in.

I never realized how stress free life was (yes folks- my life- and I said stress FREE) until my parents moved in. At first I thought that stress was both my parents, and I suppose to a degree it was, but I have come to realize it is mostly my mom.

And absent I have been, unable to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, because to be honest the shiny happy days are not here, and adjusting is hard. Not so much about my dad's passing. I mean, he had lung cancer and we have known for months, and it was terminal. I suppose I had come to terms with that. And while his passing hurt, in some ways knowing the pain for him was gone was almost a relief for me.

But my mom, who does no more than get angry with my children, who wont even hold the baby, who hates everything about the life I live, who cuts me down about being a stay at home mom at every opportunity she is presented with... yeah. for me ...that has been a challenge.

and I dont know how much to "talk" about.

so.... yeah. Do I allow myself to share our real life struggles here? Frank would say yes. But I don't feel like I am doing such a good job juggling. ANyhow... i HAVE started a half dozen other posts that need finishing (and time to finish them) I am trying to run our household, begin homeschooling the children after a month long break, and get our life a little more back to normal... whatever that is:)

still here

I am still around. We have had a sweet baby boy and dad's health took a nosedive,birthdays and even my parents anniversary have been celebrated... Baby Aaron had a trip to the ER which led to another hospitilzation, and we said goodbye to my dad... and while there are many GOD stories on the journey and I will write them down for HIS glory ...

just not tonight.

It's a choice

My dad is sick. but you guys, if you have ever been to my blog have known that. But each and every day he lives as if he is dying. There is no life in him, the man that fought so hard to get back up on his feet since his arrival has sat in a chair or a bed watching tv 24/7. And it's not because he can't. It's because he won't. And that makes me really angry. I have watched Heather fight against her cancer. But she fought to live and gave me a new outlook on my very own children. A reminder of why each and every day is precious, and we have to fill them ALL with memories. The only memories my children are going to have of my dad is that he came to California and quit. He laid around watching movies they are not allowed to watch because of the violence and they were not allowed in his room. They are going to remember a grandpa who stopped eating and didnt care- and there is nothing I can do to change that. And that hurts. He isn't even trying. I guess I had hoped my dad would come to CA and live- make memories with the kids, give him a reason to fight, but instead it has seemed to have the opposite effect... and I just don't know how to handle it all...

My mom on the other hand is very angry, and bitter that she is here. Although she doesnt think she is. She too is devestated by my dad giving up on everything. There have been many many challenges for both of us... for instance she does not see my being a homeschooler or a stay at home mom as a "real job" and that I have been wasting the past 15 years of my life... to say the least that has brought just a wee bit of tension to things.... She does not enjoy her grandkids.... Not the way some grandma's do, from a distance the grandkids are great, but daily- yeah well not so much.

I knew there would be challenges. I have honestly been afraid to post about any of this. But I am barely hangin on to the end of a rope just kinda danglin' but so far Jesus is keeping me hanging on.

To top it off I am a few days PAST my dues date. The little turkey in my belly says he is not "done" yet. I am scheduled to be induced on Monday at exactlly 41 weeks if he doesnt come on his own before then...

The little people in the house are rolling out of bed, which is my cue to head down and start some breakfast.... ya know, another "worthless" job I have come to accept in my life. One I wouldn't trade for the world!

Back in the saddle again.... or not.

So this week has been a week of MAJOR changes...

mom n dad have moved in a little over a week ago

no baby has arrived...yet.

school lessons are running, although different than usual, in a new way we are adapting to...

getting my dad to dr appointments/ signed up for MediCal and other stuff, celebrating an 8 yr old and 3 yr old's birthdays.... life is NOT dull...

and saying that I have had very few moments to even sneak online and read blogs, much less write on mine. Which leads me to the conversation I had with my husband this afternoon... which went something like this...

" I think I am going to shut down my blog" to which he quickly replied " Why on earth would you do that?" " You have more stuff to share now than ever before, ways to show God's hand through a storm..why would you stop now....?"

the answer is I don't know.

I don't know any answers... I only know God is in control. I know the minutes of each of my days are quite busy now- and that will be even more true once this little baby of ours makes his grand appearance...

So.

I AM here. but not as often as I would like to be.... much like the hours I am at church. I feel distant and removed from so much right now... a season where my first ministry must be at home. It is a time of self sacrifice and loving in a way I would have never expected I would need to. It is a time of ministry to my parents... a ministry I barely even understand...

I feel so detached and alone some days, and in many ways I am. But Jesus is still walking beside me each and every step of the way...

as far as my blog, for now, I guess it stays

and the direction in which it is headed ... well I guess I will be in prayer about that for now...

MOVING time again....

The packers will be here first thing Monday morning... and again Tuesday to load our house on a truck.... we pick up our keys at base housing on Tuesday morning... and have it all delievered on Wednesday. Thursday the kids and I will be busy unpacking as much as we can... and Friday afternoon I head to the airport to pick up my parents.... all the while I am now on bedrest ...yeah ok. well as much as can be possible during a major move. so we will be offline a few days, other than checking in on my phone (which will still have internet access) hooray! Have a great week! And I'll try to post once we are a little organized at the house...

for now though, you're more likely to see me on facebook for the next week than here!

Let the Brown Leaves Fall...

Whether I like it or not, summer will end soon, as as it does another season changing will begin- in our lives - as well as in the weather. My parents are out of insurance. This week my dad's former employer informed me that his FMLA expired and the company as of Friday would no longer carry my dad's insurance.

And since I have been praying for doors to either close in front of us or open wide that we would know God's will as we made each decision... well, it certainly made buying the tickets easier.

Dad's cancer is spreading. VERY quickly. Praying for more time at this point - just to get them here. But not knowing what our future holds regarding their arrival. The doctors are saying "at the very very best" you may have 3 months. But currently - despite what is happening on the inside of him- he is still walking, and still fighting. He hasnt given up.

So On that note, once we get moved- 2 days later my parents will arrive to live with us personally. I need to get a hospital bed (cheap!) and probably a walker and a wheelchair. WE will be amidst a myriad of boxes, unpacking..and what seems to be... life as a military family. A life my parents have never really known, but I am certain they will get a VERY quick initiation.

As far as homeschooling the children. We plan to do just that. Many people have called me crazy for even considering it. BUT we will be temporarily changing our approach, much like yet another changing season. I am an avid KONOS mom. And we have continues with a modifies KONOS approach even with all the moves, but KONOS is mom labor intensive, and we are taking a season away from this wonderful way of learning. I have been praying about what avenue to take. We have tossed around the idea of a full Switched on Schoolhouse approach, but don't have the number of computers we need ( with the right processing speeds for the program) to effectively pull that off, we have discussed paces (School of Tomorrow) so the kids can do self paced work and simply continue moving ahead as the changes blow in, but after much prayer and weeding through my bookshelves before a move we are going to try a more frugal approach.

I have made copies of many of stuff I had on the shelf yesterday ( and will finish hopefully today) and put pages in their notebooks. For history Micah will be using Dover coloring books to learn about the life of Abraham Lincoln, Justyn will be reading an Abeka textbook and doing his history more conventionally, and Arianna will be reading the Light and the Glory (for adults) and writing about what she reads, for Science Micah will be studying nutrition and hygeine, where Justyn will be learning about the planets and the scientists who discovered them, And Arianna will be using a 10th grade ABeka Book in Biology... and for someone who doesnt use a lot of textbooks ( for more than anything as a reference point) this will be a big change. But it means we can continue school despite a baby's arrival, despite the changes that come with moving my parents in, and for now it is a trial period for a season. I plan to try this through Christmas, at which point we will decide whether we can go back to more of a KONOS approach or whether we should continue this path.

pray for us as the winds of change are blowing in with Autumn,