Saturday, October 23, 2010
Turning it Over
I may have mentioned before I don't trust easily.
Over the summer we found ourselves wondering why we felt like the puzzle piece that didn't fit... and after meeting with the pastor and weeks of prayer we began a journey - looking for a new church. I was torn. On one side -the church was familiar. The kids seemed to "fit". We were greeted with handshakes and warm smiles. The teaching was rock solid.So what could be wrong?
We searched our hearts. Prayed. Thought about ways that we should grow where we had been planted... that going church shopping just didn't make any sense. Maybe, it WAS us. Maybe we were out of God's will. I began to question so much. We tried 3 churches in a whirlwind of the 6 weeks before the deployment.
And landed somewhere huge.
It's a good church. But starting over ...especially through a deployment is hard. I am standing on the promise that God is not the author of confusion 1Corinthians 14:33
and I am discovering my trust is shot.
and emotionally I am hurt.
and in order to step back in I have to have blind faith.
We are faithfully attending. The kids are invlved in the weekly Bible club. I am attending the womens Bible study... but the more I go the more I am beginning to see I am hlding everyone at arms length. I am not really letting anyone in...
my heart has to reopen and become vulnerable.
and I just don't know if I am ready for that.
I give it all to you. take my heart and show me how to love and trust again the way you want me to. Direct my path, make it simple to see the joy again. Take me back to my First Love. Show me where you would have me to serve and help me to be genuine, real and to not guard my heart because ultimately you are the one protecting me. In Jesus name.