Thursday, October 22, 2009

It's a choice

My dad is sick. but you guys, if you have ever been to my blog have known that. But each and every day he lives as if he is dying. There is no life in him, the man that fought so hard to get back up on his feet since his arrival has sat in a chair or a bed watching tv 24/7. And it's not because he can't. It's because he won't. And that makes me really angry. I have watched Heather fight against her cancer. But she fought to live and gave me a new outlook on my very own children. A reminder of why each and every day is precious, and we have to fill them ALL with memories. The only memories my children are going to have of my dad is that he came to California and quit. He laid around watching movies they are not allowed to watch because of the violence and they were not allowed in his room. They are going to remember a grandpa who stopped eating and didnt care- and there is nothing I can do to change that. And that hurts. He isn't even trying. I guess I had hoped my dad would come to CA and live- make memories with the kids, give him a reason to fight, but instead it has seemed to have the opposite effect... and I just don't know how to handle it all...

My mom on the other hand is very angry, and bitter that she is here. Although she doesnt think she is. She too is devestated by my dad giving up on everything. There have been many many challenges for both of us... for instance she does not see my being a homeschooler or a stay at home mom as a "real job" and that I have been wasting the past 15 years of my life... to say the least that has brought just a wee bit of tension to things.... She does not enjoy her grandkids.... Not the way some grandma's do, from a distance the grandkids are great, but daily- yeah well not so much.

I knew there would be challenges. I have honestly been afraid to post about any of this. But I am barely hangin on to the end of a rope just kinda danglin' but so far Jesus is keeping me hanging on.

To top it off I am a few days PAST my dues date. The little turkey in my belly says he is not "done" yet. I am scheduled to be induced on Monday at exactlly 41 weeks if he doesnt come on his own before then...

The little people in the house are rolling out of bed, which is my cue to head down and start some breakfast.... ya know, another "worthless" job I have come to accept in my life. One I wouldn't trade for the world!


Hols said...

Oh, my heart goes out to you. Wow! How much you have taken on in having your parents come live with you! There are many people who could not do that.
One thing that came to mind as I was reading your post was this...Have you spoken with your dad about his giving up, about his needing to enjoy his grandchildren? Have you and your husband been able to discuss these issues with your parents?
And I have a will your parent's attitudes and actions affect your children?
You are in my prayers as you journey through all of this. Hang on to your Lord for it is HE who will give you the wisdom and strength to continue.


Rebekah said...

I'm so sorry things have been difficult.