A mama's heart

*****update 5/27/2011*****
Baby zeke made it through phase 1 of surgery today.
 He was in surgery for over 8 hours, He has a ton of recovery left to do!
 He will be sedated for the next two weeks which will hopefully give his little body time to recover and grow. KEEP PRAYING!
***************************

Meet my dear friends.

In this photo there are 7 baby blessings... but one you cant see.

During the pregnancy Shelly learned that baby "zeke" had a heart defect.

But she has trusted God and remains faithful.

On May 24 2011

little Ezekiel Caleb

*God strengthen's the heart*

was born.

His Aunt said, "He's tiny but feisty"

and at 3lbs 14 ozs

he arrived

7 weeks ahead of schedule.

so far he is stable.

but he has a long way to go.

And on Friday he will be having heart surgery.

His mama trusts God.

But her heart hurts.

She has barely even held this tiny blessing.

She earnestly wants to pray that the Lord's will is done

but

that is so very hard.



"Unless plans change, Ezekiel's surgery will be this Friday.  We will move to PICU tomorrow, recover there then most likely return to NICU due to being early and his size. His heart defect is slightly different than they thought ...in laymens terms they have to reconstruct his broken heart. IN semi medical jargon--congenitally corrected transportation of the great arteries-aorta connected to r ventricle, pulmonary artery connected to the L ventricle. his L ventricle is connected to his R atrium &; his R ventricle (which is hypoplastic-too small) is connceted to his L atrium (this is backwards!). His mitral valve &; tricuspid valves are reversed. His tricuspid valve is stenotic (blocked, non functional) &; some word that meant misplaced, flaps the wrong way or something like that (sorry a bit overwhelmed). his aorta is hypoplastic (too small ascending &; descending) &; he has coarctation of the aorta (the way the aorta arches is wrong) he has a VSD (ventral septal defect)-a hole bw/ the lower chambers of his heart. he has patent foramen ovale (but that is due meds &; a good thing bcuz it keeps the blood flowing freely til surgery) he has experienced some hypertension &; apnea due meds -so he is on additional meds. he had some metabolic acidosis episodes as well. tpn (total parenteral nutrition--IV nutrition) may be started today. It is a total blessing that my ob was wise enough to administer betamethasone (steroid to mature lungs in utero). Zeke is still breathing on his own. (w/ heart kids the Oxygen/intubation can do harm as well as good). had kidney U/S, will have head U/S. results of those later"

As you can see she is a bit overwhelmed. So I am asking you all to join me in prayer. Her 11 month old is still itty bitty (Samuel 11 months old and 11lbs) missing chromosomes and has had a year filled with his very own medical issues. Pray for her husband Donald as he cares for him and the other 5 children. Pray for dear friends as they watch the older 5 children while their daddy travels back and forth to the hospital over 3 hours away from *home* (which is relative as they have no immediate family nearby because they are active duty military)  AND takes care of baby Sammy.

                                                          baby Sammy Above                                                           
She has been unable to hold Ezekiel except for the moments right after he was first born.

She has asked us to pray that her children get to see Ezekiel before he goes to PICU before he goes to preop prep tomorrow. Pray for his heart surgery. That Jesus is the great physician and carefully uses the surgeons hands to knit his heart back together. Pray for the stress on the mama and the entire family. That they come together and remain faithful during this time of the storm. To remember that "God is in control in all things" (her words exactly) and that his "big" brother sammy continues to thrive and grow while she is away.
she sings this song to baby ezekiel. would you listen to it. pray for her and commit his little life to the Father... that he live to glorify God. That Shelly and Donald can rest in the Father's arms in an embrace filled with comfort, love and peace.

raw edges

blogging is hard.

sometimes. opening up to the world that doesnt really know you and being painfully honest  and real is a scary place. And yet. that is precisely what blogging is. When I dont know what to blog about... or the stuff is too difficult to share... I find I simply don't post.
but, thats not really what its about either.
I mean if I am real. you know I struggle with day to day things.
and yet, when is it crossing the line to blog about it?

Do I tell you that today my 6 yr old and 9 yr old just didnt want to do any schoolwork and were blatently disobedient, and instead of fighting with them we cleaned and organized the living room this afternoon?
Do I tell you that I never have uncomfortable discussions with my 16 yr old teenager about life?
Do I openly share that since my husband returned home from Afghanistan that life is rosy and without challenges?

Or do I tell you, that every morning as I stumble out of bed at least 20 minutes later than I planned to that I hit the ground running, forgetting far to often to cover my day in prayer. I head downstairs and get the kids breakfast only to find one or two of them glued to the tv without permission. That I spend the next hour chasing my tail, praying for just a moment to soak up a morsel of God's word. That when I finally do sit down it is often to the groanings of children less than compliant to do their daily math drills. That I stress over the little things, especially in the moments just before my husband will be walking thru the door... and that even marriage has uncomfortable quiet awkward moments these days where love is a choice... a promise... a forever and always... that we honor... but doesnt always come easy. That I spend moments throughout the day stealing moments of prayer, or reading a short passage... crumbs to get through the day. That sometimes dinner is late, and the kids don't like what I have made... and then its off to baths and sleepy tired eyes that won't sleep because ... there are always other things to do than be in bed on time. Do I tell you I lost my cool when my teenager talked back and later sat down and apologized as we worked it out later rather than sooner the way God would have wanted us to.... or that every night I have snuggled in bed beside my husband cherishing every single moment since he returned or be real and tell you thats when I blog or edit photos or spend some real time in the Word.

Things around here are real. if you can handle our life, I hope to get back to just giving God the glory for our day to day, and commit it all to Him. I am so thankful that I have a Jesus who loves me despite all my shortcomings, but at the end of the day, as well as every moment throughout it my heart wants to follow.... and it's not easy.

but its a choice... I will choose

Calculated Risks

I am so SURE the move to the desert is the right thing to do....
then week after week
I attend NewSong Community Church
and I question it.
It's not a deep feeling of "this is where I belong"
but more of a "what if?"

Sometimes it feels like my life is a series of calculated risks....

mostly in relation to how hurt I will get when it is time to move again.

and what if we move in April and this *is* where we are supposed to be?

How will we know... for certain?

I suppose I am waiting on my husband's homecoming for final decisions.
but just this week the conversation went someting like this...

Kiah " I can't wait to move to the desert when daddy get's home"
me "um, Ki... you DO understand Daddy will not be moving to the desert with us for at least another year"
at this point Kiah is almost crying
me "he'll be home on the weekends though"
Kiah "maybe we shouldnt move, I dont want to be without daddy again"

for me it was heartbreaking.

I am trusting that The Lord will CLEARLY mark which path HE wants for us.

please keep us in prayer
especially as we sort through this muddle of emotions

because at the same time, my kids long to be back in the desert...
although I will miss life here in oceanside something fierce...
I cry every time I leave there...
for some reason my heart is tied to that place...

and yet...

I find myself ask "what if?"

the night before a night or two before Christmas

As I was sitting wrapping gifts for my children for Christmas this poem I once read popped into my head.

Twas the night before Jesus came and all throught the house

Not a creature was praying not one in the house

Their Bibles were lain on the shelf without care

In hopes that Jesus would not come there.



The children were dressing to crawl into bed

Not once ever kneeling or bowing a head.

And mom in her rocker with baby on her lap

Was watching the Late Show while I took a nap.



When out of the east there arose such a clatter

I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash



When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But angels proclaiming that Jesus was here

With a light like the sun sending forth a bright ray

I knew in a moment this must be the day.



The light of His face made me cover my head

It was Jesus, returning just like he said

And though I possesed worldly wisdom and wealth

I cried when I saw Him, in spite of myself.



In The Book Of Life which He held in His hand

Was written the name of every saved man

He spoke not a word as he searched for my name

When He said "It's not here" my head hung in shame.



The people whose name had been written in love

He gathered to take to His Father above

With those who are ready He rose with out a sound

While all the rest were left standing around.



I fell to my knees but it was too late

I had waited too long and this sealed my fate

I stood and cried as they rose out of sight

Oh, if I had only been ready tonight.



In the words of the meaning is clear.

The coming of Jesus is drawing near.

There's only one life and when comes the last call

We'll find that the Bible was true after all.

Thank you Lord, Help me to remember what this season is truely about. Let me not grow weary from meaningless things that will one day pass away, help me to teach my children to Love You with all their heart. Lord. Help me.

What is a church anyway?

Out here in Cali... esp out here near the beach we have had a challenge.
FInding a church where we "fit"
that missing puzzle piece where we belong.
and it isnt an easy process.
much like finding that ever elusive needle in a haystack
and it should be so simple.
and if the church is the people why is it so hard for us to fit?
I have considered over and over that the problem is me.
and perhaps it is.
but
I am considering putting out an ad:

In search of the perfect church [for my family]. looking for a bible teaching, Bible believing fearless group of people that loves God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and loves each other despite our differences. A group of people that can go to the Bible and agree on the doctrines, and wade through the teaching together- even if it gets uncomfortable. A group of people that is my earthly family- and we love each other even when we are unlovable, a support system that cares for each other through the dark times, an ear to listen on a lonely day, a sister or brother, or aunt or uncle to my kids- an accountibility partner to hold me up to keeping my word, a place to serve faithfully and be served (when necessary), a place to come even if it means the truth is spoken in love, a place where people dont turn their back on you and walk away

And they devoted themselves to the apostles’
teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread
and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul,
and many wonders and signs were being done.
Acts 2:42–43

Do you have a church like that on this earth? If you do, you are blessed.
Pray for us as we continue the journey... pray our roots dont wither, our flowers don't fade...and we find joy in the journey

shattered trust

in His time there will be something beautiful out of this.
refined in the fire.
again.
still.
feel like I am broken glass
Thankful that My Saviour is sheltering me in His precious arms.

The Race

quietly waiting.
I can hear myself breathing.
The race begins soon.
The beads of sweat drop off my brow.
As the sun rises another day will dawn.
Another day to wait. and watch. and cling to...
before the big day.

God has chosen this race for me to run.
I cannot do it without Jesus CHrist at the center.
My race will influence others for Christ.
How it will influence them will be determined by how I run the race.
It is a marathon. not a sprint.
I will need to be consistant.
It may be filled with obstacles.
opposition.
perhaps even forces we cannot see.
that WILL try and steal my Joy
and God's glory.
I need to remember in order to win the race.
I can not drop out of it.

so for now.
I will hit my knees
and pray
because the Lord alone
will be the One to give me strength
to endure.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

Dreary

it's been gloomy here...

both figuratively and physically.

we are trying to be the puzzle piece that fits in here... somewhere.

but.

we don't.

maybe we're not supposed to....

i just don't know.

are we supposed to grow where we are planted....

but.

are we planted in the right location....?

God is certainly not the author of confusion....

so why does this keep tripping us up? almost like our shoelaces have been tied together.

or is this strange cloud just another association with a future deployment...

probably doesn't help much that our fair California weather has been a mix of clouds and a very extended June gloom... even though it is July

forgive my jumbled post...

please pray we take the road God would have us to take and that He would make which path to take very clear.

thanks!

Praying for Mighty Sam

Please join me in prayer for this special little guy. He arrived early. His momma has 5 other children and is a dear friend of mine. He spent his first few weeks in the NICU while momma ran back and forth to the hopsital deperately trying to keep her family together while her Hubby was away at training - USMC style. Well today, due to less than adequate weight gain- baby Samuel is getting a 3 day (minimum) stay back in the hospital. Thankfully daddy is home with her little ones and this wonderful momma can stay with her precious Samuel but would you please join me in praying for this precious little guy! thanks!

let me ALWAYS choose to praise.....

so small

lately I have been overwhelmed with the little things....

schoolwork not getting completed
dishes in the sink for a meal or two too long
mounds of laundry (ya know, with 9 people living in the same house)
kids not listening or obeying as soon as I ask

and then I read Heather's journey with Emma Grace

or Ashleigh's journey as she heads into another long deployment

or my dear friend Casey's journey in the past few weeks as her family was surprised by her 7 yr old daughter's sudden paralysis

and then.
comparitively.
my world seems so perfect...
so rather than blogging...
I have been praying for them.

heartache

a fellow blogger ~ Heather ~ is going through a rough time. Her daughter Emma Grace is still in the hospital after 6 weeks...

Would you please go to your prayer closet and petition our Holy God on this families behalf with me and my family.

On Our Knees

Normally on any given Friday night by 11 o'clock you will find me nursing Aaron and snuggled down for the night with Frank, but tonight was different. You see Sunday is Friend Day at our church and they are encouraging everyone to invite a friend, or 2 or 10 or 20 and providing a wonderful pancake breakfast for everyone in between their two services. But tonight was the 24 hour prayer vigil. Now I have gone to one or two prayer vigils in the 11 yrs I have been a christian. OK, one other. But tonight brought me to my knees.

I felt so small. We were asked to fill out cards with the people we wanted to invite to Friend Day. Hundreds maybe more that 2000 cards sat in the sanctuary in piles. Short of flipping through the cards saying "LORD, bring Larry to church for Salvation and Chris, and Moe and Steve, And Matt" There was NO POSSIBLE WAY to pray for each individual person on every single card during the one hour time block I signed up for. I only got through 2 piles in and hour and a half. Some cards were written by preschoolers, some by an elderly person, others by neighbors, coworkers, aquaintences, Marines, friends, employees, students, children, parents, aunts, uncles, and so many more. They were written for children and starbucks baristas, teachers and friends, entire families. I prayed over as many as I could and still felt so very very small.

As I drove away I heard great songs like City on our Knees by TobyMac and Brandon Heath's Give Me Your eyes and started praying for those coming and going to and from the church all throughout tonight. As the invites go out again tomorrow door to door, for all those involved from people serving pancakes, to people directing parking, to the choir and worship team, to the nursery workers, for the youth leaders and childrens church workers, for the alter team, the greeters, the hospitality teams and the Pastor. And in the midst of it I was humbled and felt oh so very small.

So many people don't know Christ as Saviour. My heart literally breaks just thinking about it. So many people headed for a Christless eternity unless...

unless someone invites them to church
unless God draws them near
unless they accept and receive the free gift of salvation

it is so simple and yet so very complicated.

Please pray for them all.

parylized

I remember all too well the morning my dad died in early November. I had just come home from the hospital with Aaron the day before. My mom came in the room just about at 5am sobbing and woke my husband...she was sobbing. A sense of relief washed over me. It was over. Dad had stepped into eternity. His time here was over, his pain gone. I was relieved.

The next hour involved calling the hospice nurse to verify his death, keeping the children out of the bedroom where he lay, and getting them out of the house with as little trauma as possible... as for the rest of us....we waited for the team from the funeral facility to pick up my dad's body...

kids out the door with daddy...

waiting.

mom stayed upstairs with my dad's body which to me seemed very strange, but whatever worked for her....

finally the doorbell rings.... and the funeral director and his assistant arrive... paperwork, signatures and then

transport.

I seemed to do OK through all of this.

but now it seems to haunt me. Not in a gripped by fear sort of way all the time. just at night alone. downstairs. I can't stay downstairs alone at night. my imagination starts moving and i see in my mind the gurney with my dad's body and I simply don't want to be down there alone with the memories. I know its my imagination and I know its not real, but emotionally it still feels so very real.

I hate that he died here in my house. I hate them memory of him sitting on that gurney until they were able to load him into their van. I hate that THAT is the last memory I have of my dad.

And I know God has not given us a spirit of fear...and I am not actually afraid of being down stairs... but the memories paralyze me and I don't know how to shake it. So once the kids are in bed and Frank heads upstairs I am not very far behind....

Praying this will pass soon..

I stopped biting my nails 15 years ago, but then

my mom moved in.

I never realized how stress free life was (yes folks- my life- and I said stress FREE) until my parents moved in. At first I thought that stress was both my parents, and I suppose to a degree it was, but I have come to realize it is mostly my mom.

And absent I have been, unable to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, because to be honest the shiny happy days are not here, and adjusting is hard. Not so much about my dad's passing. I mean, he had lung cancer and we have known for months, and it was terminal. I suppose I had come to terms with that. And while his passing hurt, in some ways knowing the pain for him was gone was almost a relief for me.

But my mom, who does no more than get angry with my children, who wont even hold the baby, who hates everything about the life I live, who cuts me down about being a stay at home mom at every opportunity she is presented with... yeah. for me ...that has been a challenge.

and I dont know how much to "talk" about.

so.... yeah. Do I allow myself to share our real life struggles here? Frank would say yes. But I don't feel like I am doing such a good job juggling. ANyhow... i HAVE started a half dozen other posts that need finishing (and time to finish them) I am trying to run our household, begin homeschooling the children after a month long break, and get our life a little more back to normal... whatever that is:)

It's a choice

My dad is sick. but you guys, if you have ever been to my blog have known that. But each and every day he lives as if he is dying. There is no life in him, the man that fought so hard to get back up on his feet since his arrival has sat in a chair or a bed watching tv 24/7. And it's not because he can't. It's because he won't. And that makes me really angry. I have watched Heather fight against her cancer. But she fought to live and gave me a new outlook on my very own children. A reminder of why each and every day is precious, and we have to fill them ALL with memories. The only memories my children are going to have of my dad is that he came to California and quit. He laid around watching movies they are not allowed to watch because of the violence and they were not allowed in his room. They are going to remember a grandpa who stopped eating and didnt care- and there is nothing I can do to change that. And that hurts. He isn't even trying. I guess I had hoped my dad would come to CA and live- make memories with the kids, give him a reason to fight, but instead it has seemed to have the opposite effect... and I just don't know how to handle it all...

My mom on the other hand is very angry, and bitter that she is here. Although she doesnt think she is. She too is devestated by my dad giving up on everything. There have been many many challenges for both of us... for instance she does not see my being a homeschooler or a stay at home mom as a "real job" and that I have been wasting the past 15 years of my life... to say the least that has brought just a wee bit of tension to things.... She does not enjoy her grandkids.... Not the way some grandma's do, from a distance the grandkids are great, but daily- yeah well not so much.

I knew there would be challenges. I have honestly been afraid to post about any of this. But I am barely hangin on to the end of a rope just kinda danglin' but so far Jesus is keeping me hanging on.

To top it off I am a few days PAST my dues date. The little turkey in my belly says he is not "done" yet. I am scheduled to be induced on Monday at exactlly 41 weeks if he doesnt come on his own before then...

The little people in the house are rolling out of bed, which is my cue to head down and start some breakfast.... ya know, another "worthless" job I have come to accept in my life. One I wouldn't trade for the world!

Let the Brown Leaves Fall...

Whether I like it or not, summer will end soon, as as it does another season changing will begin- in our lives - as well as in the weather. My parents are out of insurance. This week my dad's former employer informed me that his FMLA expired and the company as of Friday would no longer carry my dad's insurance.

And since I have been praying for doors to either close in front of us or open wide that we would know God's will as we made each decision... well, it certainly made buying the tickets easier.

Dad's cancer is spreading. VERY quickly. Praying for more time at this point - just to get them here. But not knowing what our future holds regarding their arrival. The doctors are saying "at the very very best" you may have 3 months. But currently - despite what is happening on the inside of him- he is still walking, and still fighting. He hasnt given up.

So On that note, once we get moved- 2 days later my parents will arrive to live with us personally. I need to get a hospital bed (cheap!) and probably a walker and a wheelchair. WE will be amidst a myriad of boxes, unpacking..and what seems to be... life as a military family. A life my parents have never really known, but I am certain they will get a VERY quick initiation.

As far as homeschooling the children. We plan to do just that. Many people have called me crazy for even considering it. BUT we will be temporarily changing our approach, much like yet another changing season. I am an avid KONOS mom. And we have continues with a modifies KONOS approach even with all the moves, but KONOS is mom labor intensive, and we are taking a season away from this wonderful way of learning. I have been praying about what avenue to take. We have tossed around the idea of a full Switched on Schoolhouse approach, but don't have the number of computers we need ( with the right processing speeds for the program) to effectively pull that off, we have discussed paces (School of Tomorrow) so the kids can do self paced work and simply continue moving ahead as the changes blow in, but after much prayer and weeding through my bookshelves before a move we are going to try a more frugal approach.

I have made copies of many of stuff I had on the shelf yesterday ( and will finish hopefully today) and put pages in their notebooks. For history Micah will be using Dover coloring books to learn about the life of Abraham Lincoln, Justyn will be reading an Abeka textbook and doing his history more conventionally, and Arianna will be reading the Light and the Glory (for adults) and writing about what she reads, for Science Micah will be studying nutrition and hygeine, where Justyn will be learning about the planets and the scientists who discovered them, And Arianna will be using a 10th grade ABeka Book in Biology... and for someone who doesnt use a lot of textbooks ( for more than anything as a reference point) this will be a big change. But it means we can continue school despite a baby's arrival, despite the changes that come with moving my parents in, and for now it is a trial period for a season. I plan to try this through Christmas, at which point we will decide whether we can go back to more of a KONOS approach or whether we should continue this path.

pray for us as the winds of change are blowing in with Autumn,

Dad's cancer is spreading

DOn't know a lot of details... yet.

waiting for calls from the dr's

additional CT scans have been ordered. so far we know the cancer has spread into both lungs now, that there are 5 pollups on his liver (which would explain his lack of appetite), and that he is having severe pain in his tailbones. so...

now we wait for additional tests and calls from the dr to find out

1. if he is even well enough to travel to CA
2. if not what are our other options?
3. what happens to my mom if the house if forclosed upon and she does remain behind in NC?


feeling like my hands are very tied from 3000 miles away. They have sold bunches of stuff BUT they need that money to move out here. and if they use it to remain behind there wont even be enough money to bury my dad when the time comes.

my prayer is that God shows us each and every step clearly.

The Season God Prepares us For....

funny how God creates a message entirely just for you and sends it through the pastor... and that was the crux of my morning.

After enjoying a breakfast fellowship in Sunday School, a great lesson, wonderful worship - as God's Word was opened to Galatians 6:1-4

"1Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. 2Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. 3For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. 4But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.
"

As the pastor was teaching, words my mom said to me just last night resonated in my ears.... " jen, this is going to be such a burden to you all" to which I replied "mom, we want to help, let us share your burden with you"

life is filled with change right now, lots of uncertainty, but one thing is certain. Jesus is in control of it all. I creid theough the invitation knowing that the trail we have faced in the last 12 months were in preparation of the things to come. To give us a starting point in which to minister to my parents during this very uncertain and frightening season in their lives. I cannot imagine walking through seasons in my life without Christ at the center, and yet, that is precisely what they are doing. If my dad did accept Christ a few weeks ago like he told me the other day, then he is just an infant in his walk with Christ. Pray for my mom, this move has filled her with much bitterness and a desire to be far from the Lord.

Each day I just keep walking forward, I pray CHrist can use our family as a beacon of light in my parents life throughout it all.

moving, my dad, homeschooling my children and other complicated issues....

the thought of "what would you do for a klondike bar" came to my head as it started pounding this morning. Not that I particularly even eat that kind of ice cream bar, just that my head had started pounding with all the complications of the day....

last week we received unofficial news that we should have a slot in base housing in the very near future. problem is, that offer is not on paper, and without paperwork doesnt completely exist. last week I had mentioned it to my dad who, jokingly said, now we can come live with you in California- a commitment I had tried to get them to make in July when they adamantly refused. joke is- we changed housing lists in August from a list for a 5 bedroom to a list in a 4 bedroom BECAUSE my parents refused to come. so over the weekend , apparently they discussed it among themselves and decided to move in with Frank and I. so we were "notified" that they have about 45 days until their house will be foreclosed upon- at which point they want to move in with us. That concerns me as it is days away from when the baby is actually due to arrive... so I told them if they plan to move they have about 30 days to get things sold and move out here.

then there is the issue of their pets. Moving into base housing we are alloved 2 pet. and no more. My family has lost so much this year. All we have left is 2 dogs. the horses, cats, goats, ducks, chickens geese are all gone. The sting of that, while fading, is still fresh when the subject of finding a home for our dogs came up. My mom wants to bring her mini-poodle. He is not up to date on his shots, needs health certificates to travel, a new crate and plane fare- none of which I have cash on hand to do. so what do you tell your mom n dad who are leaving everything they have known for the last 12 years behind, including a large portion of their independance, to come and live with you. The poodle is cute and has a great dispostion with adults. He has never been exposed to children of any age... and I will have 6 children. A dog who may not like one or all of them, in my life, is simply not an option.

Then there are issues like medical coverage. We discovered today that while my dad's previous employer has been taking care of his insurance premiums and has agreed to do so until his medicaid is approved - uses an insurace company that is inclusive to NC. Because both my parents have pre-existing cancer conditions finding a company that will carry insurance for them month to month is simply not affordable. And while I can sign them up for medicaid/ mediCal out here we will be starting that lengthy process from the beginning again. I have found a local clinic where they can go to been seen and get prescriptions BUT it is certainly questionable whether or not my dad will be able to continue any type of treatment out here until/unless he gets on medicaid- which is a 3+ month process.

I am overwhelmed. The thought of having a baby very soon, moving, moving my parents to CA, continuing to homeschool, are wearing on me. I have many doubts if I can do it all... and wondering if I can't what are my options. I do believe we as a family are called by God to continue homeschooling. I believe that more today than I did the day we began. I am scared however that somehow I will fail in one or all of these areas, or fail my parents or fail my children.

To top it all off Frank works a full marine corps week and then is enrolled in college. It is hard. I am not looking for easy, I am just praying that the Lord will direct our steps each and every step of this journey.

I am bringing my dad to CA to care for him as he dies. And while it could give the children an opportunity to know a man they barely know, is it fair to ask them to continue to homeschool and share their life with their grandma and grandpa- or do I offer a choice....send the ones that want to to public school on base- and pray for their days. I dont know the answers. In my heart i do not feel like we are supposed to stop homeschooling.

Please pray for us.