It's a choice

My dad is sick. but you guys, if you have ever been to my blog have known that. But each and every day he lives as if he is dying. There is no life in him, the man that fought so hard to get back up on his feet since his arrival has sat in a chair or a bed watching tv 24/7. And it's not because he can't. It's because he won't. And that makes me really angry. I have watched Heather fight against her cancer. But she fought to live and gave me a new outlook on my very own children. A reminder of why each and every day is precious, and we have to fill them ALL with memories. The only memories my children are going to have of my dad is that he came to California and quit. He laid around watching movies they are not allowed to watch because of the violence and they were not allowed in his room. They are going to remember a grandpa who stopped eating and didnt care- and there is nothing I can do to change that. And that hurts. He isn't even trying. I guess I had hoped my dad would come to CA and live- make memories with the kids, give him a reason to fight, but instead it has seemed to have the opposite effect... and I just don't know how to handle it all...

My mom on the other hand is very angry, and bitter that she is here. Although she doesnt think she is. She too is devestated by my dad giving up on everything. There have been many many challenges for both of us... for instance she does not see my being a homeschooler or a stay at home mom as a "real job" and that I have been wasting the past 15 years of my life... to say the least that has brought just a wee bit of tension to things.... She does not enjoy her grandkids.... Not the way some grandma's do, from a distance the grandkids are great, but daily- yeah well not so much.

I knew there would be challenges. I have honestly been afraid to post about any of this. But I am barely hangin on to the end of a rope just kinda danglin' but so far Jesus is keeping me hanging on.

To top it off I am a few days PAST my dues date. The little turkey in my belly says he is not "done" yet. I am scheduled to be induced on Monday at exactlly 41 weeks if he doesnt come on his own before then...

The little people in the house are rolling out of bed, which is my cue to head down and start some breakfast.... ya know, another "worthless" job I have come to accept in my life. One I wouldn't trade for the world!

Back in the saddle again.... or not.

So this week has been a week of MAJOR changes...

mom n dad have moved in a little over a week ago

no baby has arrived...yet.

school lessons are running, although different than usual, in a new way we are adapting to...

getting my dad to dr appointments/ signed up for MediCal and other stuff, celebrating an 8 yr old and 3 yr old's birthdays.... life is NOT dull...

and saying that I have had very few moments to even sneak online and read blogs, much less write on mine. Which leads me to the conversation I had with my husband this afternoon... which went something like this...

" I think I am going to shut down my blog" to which he quickly replied " Why on earth would you do that?" " You have more stuff to share now than ever before, ways to show God's hand through a storm..why would you stop now....?"

the answer is I don't know.

I don't know any answers... I only know God is in control. I know the minutes of each of my days are quite busy now- and that will be even more true once this little baby of ours makes his grand appearance...

So.

I AM here. but not as often as I would like to be.... much like the hours I am at church. I feel distant and removed from so much right now... a season where my first ministry must be at home. It is a time of self sacrifice and loving in a way I would have never expected I would need to. It is a time of ministry to my parents... a ministry I barely even understand...

I feel so detached and alone some days, and in many ways I am. But Jesus is still walking beside me each and every step of the way...

as far as my blog, for now, I guess it stays

and the direction in which it is headed ... well I guess I will be in prayer about that for now...