Friday, January 30, 2009

our mistakes & choices

I have realized today that no matter what decisions are made someone will be hurt by them.

I talked to my dad today and explained the way the orders were given, lets just say it didn't go so well.

Here's the rest of the story (for those of you who have not yet heard it)

Frank went to go see the monitor (this is the guy who decides when & where you are going in the USMC) last Monday- just to sit down & talk face to face- and the monitor said to my husband.."you're moving". My husband began to explain why we could not, but the monitor doesn't care, he is just there with a job to do. He offered him camp LeJeune and Frank said he couldn't, the monitor then offered him Camp Pendelton. Oceanside. I know Frank was thinking this was closer, he could come home on weekends.... but as we are slowly learning that is probably not the case. not at all.

The cost of living down in Oceanside is such that we might be lucky to have him come home once a month. All the while leaving us in this desert cabin - alone- with all the dangers of the desert and him over 3 hours away.

Some of you have asked if we could rent out the house. Let me explain the mistakes we make just about 3 years ago. We bought a desert cabin, certainly a fixer upper. We have not been doing as much fixer-uppering as we would have liked because well things have gone wrong with this house (like it needed a completely new septic system to the tune of $9000 2 yrs ago) as well as many others. At the time the house was purchased (a now regretted decision) the housing market in CA was at a high prime. Which basically means we bought it for far more than it is actually worth today. In fact, it's depreciation is probably around $100,000. So can we rent it out? Certainly not for it's monthly mortgage payment- and without eating the cost there are few choices.

As far as making the right choices. Neither Frank or I know what those are yet, and even when we do make choices we are hoping they are not choices we regret later. As of right now I am beginning to look for homes for all of the animals- well, almost all. For you that think he will hold onto this house for the horses. You are wrong. We will cry and have our hearts ripped out once again because we made the wrong choices...yet again.

I am ranging from a flurry of emotions. All our family is back on the east coast. we have parents that are not getting any younger and children that haven't even met family members. To say that I don't wish he had chosen differently for many reasons would be a lie, and yet we will remain on the west...for how long? I don't know. Sometimes I am angry or bitter (which I know is wrong) other times I completely understand the decision he made and for what reasons, and still other times I am afraid of running this ranch alone, having things break and not being able to afford to fix them, and not being able to see my husband even though he will only be a few hours away. It's almost more frustrating he will be here so close...and I will not be able to see him.

So if you know of anyone in need of a horse send them my way. I am broken and do not have any answers. I feel very alone in this process. Please pray that the Lord would lead, guide, and direct our paths. That we would do His will not our own, and that somehow, once again we are refined by the fire.



Robin said...

A very well known scripture comes to mind; Jeramiah 29:11
I will remember to pray for you guys! Seems it's always something. Too bad Frank couldn't go back to the monitor and change his mind. Michael has actually done that before. Some times we get "lucky". Different orders wouldn't change the house situation though. I'm glad you know the Lord and can trust Him through this.

Post Tenebras Lux said...

I'm sorry!