Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm not who I was....

Tonight as I logged on to my facebook account an "old friend" started chatting with me. This was someone I knew back in high school that at some point (like so many others ) I was horrible to- As we were chatting he said "can I call you? Can we talk? " I agreed. somewhat reluctantly, as I have tucked that area of my life away with a giant DO NOT DISTURB sign on it. I am not proud of who I was back then. I was very sure of myself, self righteous, indignant, unafraid and couldn't care less about what people thought about me. Or so I thought.

I ran from that life, and honestly since marrying my husband - had rarely even glanced back (except with one friend -Hi MaryTara!!!). The rest as far as I was concerned could stayed buried in the past - but as always God has a different plan.

And then I found this cool tool on the net called facebook. And while I was looking for old friends from churches I stumbled across names and profiles of people I once knew when i was the person they remember, not who I am now.... And it was fun at first, to see who married who where they live now, photos of them their kids....

but tonight I was faced with the other side. The horrible reality of who I was. As I was talking to Tony (an old friend that went to the 'brother' school of the 'all girls' school I went to) I realized how badly I had hurt him, like I did to so many others. I have apologized to some -the ones that I could find- and those people have been gracious and even told me they forgive me. But I left a path of wreckage in my wake.

SO ... if you are here and you are someone I knew in high school or college PLEASE forgive me if I have wronged you, hurt you, crushed you, or not stood beside you in your dark hours. I am not that person anymore.

If you came here expecting to find that person you won't. You will find a heart filled with sorrow for wrongs I have done to others, wrongs I laid at the cross over 11 years ago but maybe did not come to seek your forgiveness personally. You will find someone that is still passionate about things she believes in- although none of those things in my life that today I strongly believe in- I would have stood for ...then. You will find a girl that has been hurt, beaten down, abused and survived because God has restored my life into something of beauty, not because I ever deserved it, but none of us do. That really is what grace is all about. You will find someone that believes in purity and teaching not only to wait for your spouse but from the moment God creates you he has your spouse picked out for you. You have a girl humbled that knows what it means to fall facedown before a Holy and Righteous God and while tested by fire, finds that the Refiner's Fire burns away all the impurities and things I do not need in my life. You will find a wife who chooses to love and honor her husband and follow him where he leads us through our journeys, who prays for him and cherishes him. You will find a mother, that fiercely loves her children- takes her job of a scripture teaching, God honoring, math tutoring, homeschooling, stay at home mom as a place of honor. You will find a woman who has made many mistakes in friendships, both before and after coming to know Jesus. You will find someone who gets joy from the journey, and understands a peace that passes understanding, and loves without limits. You will find a woman that still makes mistakes- no longer with malicious intent- a woman that finally understands AMAZING GRACE.

That woman, if you are seeking her, is here.


hellokittiemama said...


I can so relate to this... So much in the past that I am so different from now.

Seems I was far more exciting "back then" but also so less fulfilled by life.

Giving birth to my son and going through all that we did to get him and having him later diagnosed with autism was such a huge wake up call to me about life.

I wish you were closer. We had a lot in common back then and now I think we probably have even more.

Robin said...

Great post!