Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Truth

I don't want to be here.


I said it out loud.

And I don't know what more there is to say about it. I feel stranded in this beautiful desert. and yes. It is a beautiful desert. I just don't want to be here.

& as I sit and think about it, its so much more than that.

It is uncertainty.

It is different.

It is not knowing if we will have much of an income in a few short weeks as Frank embarks on self employment..... self employment he has not yet even trained to do.

It's about knowing what defined me as a Marine wife. Each duty station... different. hard. lonely.
but. It was an adventure. & even when God brought us back to places nothing was the same. ever.

and like that gnarled Joshua tree at the almost defines me.
bending in different directions as was needed for a time.
able to move in many directions.
able to plant myself for seasons of life.

but what next?

we have moved into a town where everyone knows everyone.. and if they don't they know someone who does.

I hated my life in a small town 20 years ago. and I left.

and now ... we have committed to plant roots here. & to be honest I think what I thought and what was real are so very different it's kind of like looking through the bottom of a glass coke bottle.
It was distorted.
What seemed real was not.
But it is my new reality.

so. the question is how do I grow to love it?

because right now.
not so much. I long for what was....

people here have lives. They have grown up together. we look from the outside at the people laughing & smiling inside... and there seems to be no way to get in.

Oh we do get in. for quick glances. teasers. or moments where we have shoved our foot in the door just moments before they didn't mean to shut it in our face.

and then we are shut out. old friendships with secret smiles. people that have grown up together, shared life.. laughter.. & tears together... and it's hard to step in. harder still- even this time. but they have no idea how hard it is.

so for now... we wait. and pray. that time will grow acceptance & teach me how to love it and not feel so trapped.


Michelle H. said...

I feel your sentiment as well. I'm not from the same background, but I've landed in the same place. I always wanted to live in a small town but usually feel like an outsider here. And homeschooling my boys, I feel they will not be outside the community as well. It's not a bad thing, just different. Maybe we haven't found our niche yet, but I'm sure with quiet prayer the Lord will lead us where we need to be. Patience it was I need. I'll pray you find what you need. :)

Casey C. Springer said...

There you said it. We all know how it feels to be somewhere you don't want to be. When my time came to an end...that was very hard. People don't get what it means to live the military life and I still miss it. Not the garbage that goes with it mine you, but the camaraderie that only that life brings. I also know what it feels like looking in from the outside...our town is JUST like that. . .and I hate it. SO I keep plugging on and do what I can as I go. And not losing the relationships from the past helps me to have courage for the ones I don't have now.